A Healthy Selfish

 

A while back I read a Facebook post where a lady asked a ponder-worthy question. She said, "A woman at church asked me if she could hold my newborn. I politely told told her that she couldn't. She then called me selfish. Was that really selfish of me? I am not sure what to think."

Since then I have paid attention to the word "selfish" used in various places and situations. I've came to the conclusion that I needed to redefine "selfish" because something wasn't sitting right. If I were to ask myself (and quite possibly others) for a simple definition of selfish, the easy answer is, “thinking of yourself instead of others." 

But... can a person think of themselves before thinking of someone else in certain situations and it is a HEALTHY thing? If so, is there a healthy selfish? Or is selfish always bad? What is selfishness exactly and how can I redefine it if need be? How do I know if I am selfish or if I am acting in self-care? Where is the line, where is the balance?

As I have pondered on these questions, I have gained the perspective that there is a healthy type of selfish (according to the general definition that selfish is thinking of yourself instead of others). Not only is there a healthy selfish, there is an unhealthy selfless as well! AND! A healthy selfish is actually necessary to living more wholeheartedly and goes back to my previous post about balance.

When it comes to balance in most things, I believe there are generally two extremes on both ends of a balanced space or the "happy medium". The two ends of extreme opposites rarely, if ever, serve anyone and are famous for being considered unhealthy.

This is what it looks like in my mind's eye:

A healthy selfish and selfless exists in the happy medium space. As the infinity symbol shows, balance doesn't mean that I show an equal amount of self-care AND care for others at all times. Rather, it is a rhythm that ebbs and flows in all its times and seasons. What I receive for myself directly affects what I have to give to others and what I choose to receive from others is what I give to myself. So, there is a time to think of myself and it's not a bad thing! And there are other times that I can show up for others without burn-out and resentment. 

Here's a summary of what I put together to help me check in with my intentions and where I choose to sit in different situations:

A person who tends to sit in an unhealthy selfish, with a take-mentality (receiving without the intention to give) along with any number of the other things listed above, will by natural consequence seek to associate with people who sit in unhealthy selfless. Unhealthy-selfless people are those who give, give, give at the expense of self, willing to play the martyr to keep the peace and do "the right thing." Too often, this type of relationship involves manipulation, control, and various types and levels of abuse. It is unhealthy in so many ways that I don't need to go into.

Perhaps the reason why people, who have sat in an unhealthy-selfless, suddenly set clear boundaries, are called "selfish" and "uncaring." It's a good thing perceived as a bad thing! Boundaries and standing up for one's self and honoring one's self is a part of balance. It is a returning to self in an act of self-care, self-preservation, and self-love.

So the next time someone says you are selfish for civilly setting clear boundaries, or expressing that you are not comfortable sharing your newborn, you are welcome to take it as a compliment ;)

Or, if you feel like you need to distance from someone because you need that for your mental/emotional health because it is affecting your capacity to show up for your children, then do it. This is you receiving what you need with the intention to give more to your children.  THIS IS HEALTHY! 

Or, the next time that you tell yourself that you shouldn't take care of yourself, and you guilt-trip yourself out of showing up for yourself, ask, "If I take the time to receive for me, how will I be able to more effectively show up for those around me?" 

There is no shame in healthy "selfish." Christ took time for Himself when He needed it AND He showed up for others in the best timing and way for each situation (think of what He did after John the Baptist was killed). He demonstrated balance and boundaries. It’s okay for you to do the same. 

Let your yes be yes, and your no be no - whether it involves yourself or others. You are enough to show up for yourself when you need it, just as much as others are worth your service and love. 

And...

Never forget that you deserve to have people in your life who also flow in and understand this balance. These types of relationships are a boon in life.

What is Balance?

                       

Wholeness comes with balance, and balance seems to be that type of existence that I am constantly striving for.

And because so much of my life is spent trying to hang out in this space of balance, having observed that my wholeness is dependent upon it, my posts will come back to this topic often.

I used to think balance meant that things had to be equal to be balanced, just like on a balance scale. Now, I tend to see balance being like an infinity symbol.  

(In my previous post, I talked about Receiving and Giving, so I will use that as an example).

As I mentioned in my post about receiving and giving, what I receive will affect what I give; What I give creates space to receive more, and the cycle repeats over and over again. There are days I give a lot of time and energy to others, and there are days when my body, mind and spirit beg me to do some receiving and self-care. I could spend three days in the receiving space, and one day in giving. In the end, it doesn’t matter if I make things exactly equal in time or quantity. What matters is that there is a flow. It looks different every day, and there are layers within layers, balance playing out in different areas of my life at the same time.  

Balance is a flow. This is key. It is ever changing and moving within a given space.

And do you know what also exists in balance? Abundance!

(There will be another post on Abundance at some point, so stay tuned).

I don’t know about you, but not only do I desire wholeness in life, but I also desire an abundant life! And it can all be found within balance.  

Look at the picture of the connected pools of water at the beginning of this post. A pool near the top receives its fill of water and keeps receiving more water. As it is receiving, it gives to the next pool while staying full itself (this is abundance). In that giving, the next pool receives its fill and then gives to the next pool after that, and so on and so forth. No pool lacks. All pools have enough AND to spare.

Imagine with me for a moment, a community or group of people that all exist in this balance of receiving and giving. There would be no lack! There would be no poor! All would be filled in their receiving, and have a surplus to keep giving to each other!

This type of living tends to be easier to talk about than to live, isn’t it? There is always need out there and some of us feel like we don’t have the time or energy to receive in-between meeting needs, and then we are told we must always put others first in order to be a good person. There are too many demands that keep us giving more and more each day, building upon the expectations that service to others and productivity is the measure of our success. But are these things actually true??

I know that for me, I am out of balance when I have been giving from my metaphorical pool of water without realizing that I have cut off the receiving flow. I get caught up in all the things on my check-list, I feel burnt out, overwhelmed, resentful, and really stressed. I want to run away from all people and responsibilities. I feel a lack because I am not full. It isn’t until I finally get to the point of allowing myself to receive what I need that my pool gets filled again and I start overflowing with water to give.

I am learning to more quickly catch those moments where I am draining buckets of water from my pool and the flow from receiving has stopped. I am learning what it looks like and feels like, so that I can set the bucket down, correct my receiving flow and get back to balance. I often ask myself:

• What am I able to give today because I first received?
• If I am feeling run down and struggling to show up for others, what am I receiving for myself today? 
• Am I wanting to give more? Then how can I increase my receiving capacities?
• What am I afraid of that is getting in the way of my flow? 
• Am I willing to spend time in receiving?

Not only have I learned more of what balance and imbalance feels like for me, I have also had the opportunity to identify why receiving can be hard, why I feel the need to give more than is balanced for me, and why receiving can be considered “selfish” by others (I will be redefining what “selfish” is at some point). All this inquiry has been very eye-opening for me and caused me to shift my perspective. It has been good for my soul!

Balance really is the name of the game, so to speak, and there will be more thoughts to be shared later. Guaranteed 😉