A Healthy Selfish

 

A while back I read a Facebook post where a lady asked a ponder-worthy question. She said, "A woman at church asked me if she could hold my newborn. I politely told told her that she couldn't. She then called me selfish. Was that really selfish of me? I am not sure what to think."

Since then I have paid attention to the word "selfish" used in various places and situations. I've came to the conclusion that I needed to redefine "selfish" because something wasn't sitting right. If I were to ask myself (and quite possibly others) for a simple definition of selfish, the easy answer is, “thinking of yourself instead of others." 

But... can a person think of themselves before thinking of someone else in certain situations and it is a HEALTHY thing? If so, is there a healthy selfish? Or is selfish always bad? What is selfishness exactly and how can I redefine it if need be? How do I know if I am selfish or if I am acting in self-care? Where is the line, where is the balance?

As I have pondered on these questions, I have gained the perspective that there is a healthy type of selfish (according to the general definition that selfish is thinking of yourself instead of others). Not only is there a healthy selfish, there is an unhealthy selfless as well! AND! A healthy selfish is actually necessary to living more wholeheartedly and goes back to my previous post about balance.

When it comes to balance in most things, I believe there are generally two extremes on both ends of a balanced space or the "happy medium". The two ends of extreme opposites rarely, if ever, serve anyone and are famous for being considered unhealthy.

This is what it looks like in my mind's eye:

A healthy selfish and selfless exists in the happy medium space. As the infinity symbol shows, balance doesn't mean that I show an equal amount of self-care AND care for others at all times. Rather, it is a rhythm that ebbs and flows in all its times and seasons. What I receive for myself directly affects what I have to give to others and what I choose to receive from others is what I give to myself. So, there is a time to think of myself and it's not a bad thing! And there are other times that I can show up for others without burn-out and resentment. 

Here's a summary of what I put together to help me check in with my intentions and where I choose to sit in different situations:

A person who tends to sit in an unhealthy selfish, with a take-mentality (receiving without the intention to give) along with any number of the other things listed above, will by natural consequence seek to associate with people who sit in unhealthy selfless. Unhealthy-selfless people are those who give, give, give at the expense of self, willing to play the martyr to keep the peace and do "the right thing." Too often, this type of relationship involves manipulation, control, and various types and levels of abuse. It is unhealthy in so many ways that I don't need to go into.

Perhaps the reason why people, who have sat in an unhealthy-selfless, suddenly set clear boundaries, are called "selfish" and "uncaring." It's a good thing perceived as a bad thing! Boundaries and standing up for one's self and honoring one's self is a part of balance. It is a returning to self in an act of self-care, self-preservation, and self-love.

So the next time someone says you are selfish for civilly setting clear boundaries, or expressing that you are not comfortable sharing your newborn, you are welcome to take it as a compliment ;)

Or, if you feel like you need to distance from someone because you need that for your mental/emotional health because it is affecting your capacity to show up for your children, then do it. This is you receiving what you need with the intention to give more to your children.  THIS IS HEALTHY! 

Or, the next time that you tell yourself that you shouldn't take care of yourself, and you guilt-trip yourself out of showing up for yourself, ask, "If I take the time to receive for me, how will I be able to more effectively show up for those around me?" 

There is no shame in healthy "selfish." Christ took time for Himself when He needed it AND He showed up for others in the best timing and way for each situation (think of what He did after John the Baptist was killed). He demonstrated balance and boundaries. It’s okay for you to do the same. 

Let your yes be yes, and your no be no - whether it involves yourself or others. You are enough to show up for yourself when you need it, just as much as others are worth your service and love. 

And...

Never forget that you deserve to have people in your life who also flow in and understand this balance. These types of relationships are a boon in life.