Power in Choice - Stories and Questions

 

Story #1

If you have ever been around a toddler, you know that the power struggles are frequent and very real! Even young kids know that they always have choice, and they fight for that right with all that they are! (Unless their will has been broken through constant abuse, but that’s a topic for another time).

As a parent, I fight for power just as frequently it seems, and it is in this role where I struggle with imbalanced power the most. It shows up in the little day to day things, simple situations like the following story.

My eldest daughter had a soccer game one night and we were running late. We were all rushing for shoes and last-minute bathroom visits, while I was yelling for everyone to get in the car. I wanted my youngest (3 years old at the time) to put on his more practical shoes that I knew he could walk fast in. He told me, “No! I want to wear my boots!” I repeated myself by telling him to put on his sandals, and then added in the threat that he isn’t allowed to get in the car until he does.

I knew that he was excited to go to the soccer game, and I was going to keep it from him until he listened to me. But as soon as that threat came out of my mouth, I realized how illogical my threat was because I wanted everyone in the car as soon as possible. It was this moment of awareness that I evaluated my intentions.

I wanted him to wear shoes that he could walk quickly in so we could move along where we needed to go. It would be more convenient if he would just wear the shoes I knew would be best. He wanted to wear his big, sweaty boots that he could barely walk in. He didn’t understand all my reasons and I didn’t want him complaining to me later. But ultimately, my intentions were that I wanted him to wear a certain pair of shoes for my convenience and to not let him get away with telling me “no.”

Realistically, there was nothing wrong with him choosing to wear his favorite boots and learning for himself if sweaty feet is what he actually likes or not. There was no immediate danger to his life, or healthy boundaries being disrespected. Everything would be just fine if I walked more slowly with him while everyone else hurried to the game. To force him to wear sandals at this point would only be demanding that he comply to my will.

The sudden self-awareness of where I was coming from caused me to quickly shift gears and back down. 

Could I support him, even though I disagreed with his choice and may have to deal with some inconveniences? Yes. Can I empower him to gain more experience with different shoes so that he can be more independent in his choices going forward? Absolutely.

In the end, I chose to empower my child rather than seek to control him.

He did learn that boots are hard to run in and make his feet sweaty (which he expressed with great displeasure). When the next soccer game happened, I gently reminded him that his boots are hard to run in and asked him to wear his sandals. Without a fight, and with our wills aligned, he put on his sandals and got in the car.

 

 

Story #2

Our local High School Varsity Football team was playing their last home game of the season. Shortly after the game started, I heard the loud speakers and the cheering crowd from inside my house. On impulse, I decided to take all four of my kids to the game for the sake of adventure. We quickly got dressed and made our way to the High School.

By the time we made it to the stands, my two youngest children (ages 4 and 5) had already tested my patience a handful of times. We found a place to sit and we enjoyed the second quarter of the game, but by the end of the 3^rd quarter I was done.

My two youngest thought it funny to see how far they could get away from me before I noticed. It was dark outside and there were lots of people in an unfamiliar place. I was no longer willing to stay and let my kids push the boundaries for their safety. So we packed up and headed out.

As we were nearing the parking lot, my 4-year-old son, dressed in dark clothing, took off running into the poor-lit parking right towards an oncoming vehicle. I caught hold of him and told him that he would need to hold my hand or I would carry him. This highly stubborn child refused those two options and immediately tried to run off again.

I took hold of him and slung him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and set off towards the car, with the other kids trailing close behind me. My son fought me tooth and nail while screaming at me as loud as he could. He was ticked! And I was just as angry and frustrated. It was not easy holding on to a writhing anaconda-child so that he didn’t go crashing to the pavement! 

We eventually made it home and I got the kids to bed. My son was still so upset that I had forced him to be carried. As I tucked him into bed, he asked if I still loved him and why I tried to “choke” him by holding him so tightly. I explained that I had held on to him to keep him safe because I love him. I reassured him until he smiled and gave me a hug. But I still felt awful because I felt like that situation was a big, fat parenting fail.  

So, with the kids in bed, I took the time to evaluate how it had all gone. I had been learning about balanced power and the dynamics of anger, so this seemed a perfect moment to increase my understanding of the concept.

Was he wrong to feel angry? No. He was understandably upset at being restrained from what he wanted to do. However, he was completely ignoring a boundary meant to keep him from immediate danger. That wasn’t okay.

Was I wrong to feel angry? No. I was holding boundary lines to protect someone who doesn’t yet have the mental capacity and understanding of the situation to protect himself. Though I used force, I came to realize that it wasn’t an abuse of power because of the immediate danger and the responsibility I had as a parent in that moment. I did my best to make sure he learned something from the experience, but most importantly I assured him of my love.

I learned that it is balanced to protect those who cannot protect themselves or even those who ask for assistance. This isn’t a forcing of will upon another, but good heart-intention.

On the other hand, if another person has the ability to protect themselves and does not want assistance, it isn’t my responsibility to do it for them. To intervene here would be imbalance, regardless of how much I care about them. My job is to give support and guidance that the person is willing to receive, and to let them learn and gain experience of their own in a shame-free environment. 

SELF-EVALUATION QUESTIONS:

 

When faced with making a choice, check in and ask:

1.      1. What do I desire to yield to?

2.      2. What do I desire to resist?

3.      3. What is my heart’s “yes” and “no?”

4.      4. Which is louder, my heart’s “yes” or my heart’s “no?” Why?

5.      5. Why is this my heart’s “yes”/”no”? (ask this until you get to the root reason that resonates with your heart, not your mind).

6.     6. Are my intentions balanced? Why or why not?

7.      7. If there is fear in my heart, what do I need to do to flip that fear into self-empowerment?

8.      8. Is there anyone in my space that I am neglecting, silencing, diminishing, or using on any level? What are my intentions behind how I treat this person?

9.      9. Am I choosing to be the vessel of someone else’s will because I feel obligation and/or guilt? What am I worried about that is repressing my power?

When you know the what and the why of your will, ask:

1.     1.  What am I accountable for?

2.    2.  What actions are my responsibility in order for me to move forward?

3.    3. What can I do to carry out my own will without pushing responsibility on anyone else?

4.    4. Do I have any expectations for others in regards to my will? If so, how do I let those expectations go?

5.    5. How do I move forward without fear or trying to control people and circumstances?

6.    6. Am I using my emotions, mind, or body in a way that pushes others to do what I want them to? If so, what can I do to move back to balance?

7.    7. If I empower myself, what am I capable of doing?

When you feel angry, check in to see where you are in your relationship with power.

1.     1.  Are you feeling angry because your boundaries are not being respected?

2.   2. Are you angry because others are not doing what you think they should be doing?

3.   3. Do you feel angry because of all the resentment built up inside from doing so much for others out of obligation?

4.   4. Are you angry because someone told you “no?”

5.   5. Do you feel angry because someone chose not to listen to you?

6.   6. Do you feel angry because you are feeling protective?

7.   7. Do you feel angry because, under the surface, you are actually feeling afraid of not being good enough?

8.   8. Do I feel resentment or bitterness? If so, how am I giving up my power? What am I saying “yes” to that my heart says “no” to?

***Anger can show up in so many different situations. Ask yourself whatever questions you need in order to understand what you are doing with your power.

When there is a controversy or argument between people, pay attention to how anger shows up.

1.  1. Is the anger coming from a pushing of wills?

2.  2. Is it coming from holding up a boundary line?

3.  3. Is the anger expressed in self-protection or a protection of rights?

4.  4. Is the anger being expressed through blaming or threats?

 

A person balanced in power sees the strengths of another and empowers that person to use those strengths for good and for further growth.

A person balanced in power sees the weakness of another and empowers and supports that person to work with the weakness until it becomes a strength.

A person imbalanced in power sees weakness of another and uses that weakness against the other person for personal gain and control.

A person imbalanced in power sees the strength of another and seeks to harness and manipulate the strength until it becomes the downfall of the other person.

A person imbalanced in power denies their own strength and will by relenting to the desires and will of others.

All Rights Reserved.

Balance Layer #1 - Power in Choice

 

I have divided the topic of Balance into several different layers, all intertwining into one great whole. Each layer consists of something most people seek to experience in life, but unknowingly, attempt to obtain from an imbalanced space.  

After some inner-debate, I have chosen to first focus on Power and its role in Balance. A pure inner power is what produces a drive and courage to face what is necessary in the search for wholeness.

One of the biggest ah-hah moments that I have had on this journey is that Power can never fully be taken from us; it can be misused and abused, or it can be given up. Freedom is lost when power is misused or given up (I expound on this later).

Most people have the tendency to equate their level of power to how much control they have over their outside world. However, no one can have control of external people, places, and circumstances and also remain balanced. To stive for that type of control is to abuse power and to misuse others. Our true power lies in our ability to make choices, manage and live from what is inside of us, and then show up with authenticity and integrity.

Although we feel powerless at times, as if we have no choice or control in a situation, we always have the ability to choose and act. Even when you feel anguish, a great grief combined with powerlessness, such are the moments that can actually lead to a massive movement of power. That crumble-to-the-ground feeling presents you with a choice to give up your power and remain motionless, or to rise and carry on. How often have you chosen to face deep hurt, to pick yourself back up, to put one foot in front of the other? Yes, you may feel powerless for a moment but that doesn’t mean you actually are.  

Standing in your power is living true to what you believe and what you value. This true, balanced power exists in following your heart and carrying out your choices in a positive way that creates, heals, serves, and protects, without compulsion or fear. 

Balance: Will

The two main components of balanced power are a person’s purified will and the actions that make a person the vessel of that will.

Will is the heart’s choice, what a person desires according to their values. It is an internal movement of Power. Will is more than just choice, it comprises intentions, wishes, belief systems, and passions. Your will is made up of what you desire and why you desire it.

What you choose has a never-ending duality of consenting or resisting. If you choose to consent and say “yes” to one thing, by natural law, you are resisting and saying “no” to something else. Society generally supports the idea that people must acquiesce to cultural systems in order to be good and acceptable and that resistance is bad and makes you a threat or a “rebel.” Every choice has a “yes” and a “no” within it, regardless of what society believes. Whether it is a “yes” or a “no” that the heart says louder, that is the desire of your heart and the what of your will.

Assessing what makes up your will can go even deeper when you take a look at your intentions, the why behind your choices.

In order to evaluate your intentions, ask why you desire what you desire. Keep asking until you get to the root intention. This process can be very enlightening about your subconscious belief system. You may come to realize what it is you value most based on the emotions and thoughts connected to your belief system.

Through sincere efforts and courageous honesty to understand your will, you discover that refinement is needed from time to time. This process is absolutely worth it.  A choice based on pure intention, with no fear or shame within it, is what balanced Power is all about. 

Balance: Vessel

You don’t get far without the external movement of acting as the vessel of your will. Acting as a vessel means to move your own feet as an agent unto yourself. Instead of leaving things to fate or to your expectations that others will carry out your will for you, you are standing in your power.

By taking on this responsibility and ownership, you become the steward of your life and your space. Stewardship entails bravery, perseverance, and patience. Your actions do not have to be disrespectful, desperate, or pushy. You can remain curious and observant, waiting for the right moments to act.

You are a vessel that is unique to you. Own it! You can be the torch for the fire of your own will and you can carry it out to create, heal, protect, and spread light.

Overall, keeping your actions in line with the other layers of balance will have a powerful ripple effect in your life and beyond. There isn’t much more to say about being a vessel. It is just this.

Aligning Wills

Even though it is your responsibility to purify your will and then see it through, that doesn’t mean you have to do it without support or teamwork.

Imagine a group of people who come together, each empowered personally and capable of supporting the whole, while having their wills aligned to a common purpose. Such a group would be unstoppable and could accomplish great things!  

An alignment of wills and a team work of vessels can happen between a person and a Divine Source, two people in a relationship, or even a community. Such alignment is created through agreements, (without pressure, fear-tactics, guilt trips, shaming, bribing, or begging). The purity of individual hearts that come together to act as one is what will change to world for good.  

Imbalance: Dominance

An alignment of wills cannot happen when a person declares their expectations and then proceeds to convince others to follow along and be the vessel. This is an act of dominating, not aligning. It is okay for a person to promote their point of view or opinion, while also preserving the sovereignty of others.

Forcing your own will on others to gain compliance through any level of fear-tactic or manipulation is an abuse of power. It is not okay to threaten to take away something they value in order for your will to be carried out.

When you feel strongly that a task has to be done a certain way, at a certain time, or whatever other specific opinion you have, it is for you and no one else. It is imbalanced to use your power to overpower the will of another, denying them your approval, acceptance, love, and support unless they comply with your will.

There is an exception I would add about forcing another to do something you want them to do. In a moment of danger, if you choose to protect those in your care who are unable to make decisions or protect themselves, it may require force. Outside of a moment of danger, it is important to look deep inside at your intentions when you want to be forceful in the name of protection.

I know that it sounds extreme when I define imbalanced power as dominating another, so you may be inclined to brush it off as something you don’t do. We all abuse power at some point, whether we realize it or not. It is through awareness that you have opportunities to use your power with better intentions to break old habits and cycles.

Please stick with me, and allow an honest evaluation of yourself. To abuse power is to say:

“I get to decide what you need.”

“I’m in charge. I make the rules and I will enforce them. No defiance allowed.”

“I am the one that knows what’s best for him. He is not capable of making his own choice.”

“Your opinions and objections are not welcome. Go along with the solution provided or else.”

“I’ve done the research and know the truth. You should trust me and do what I say.”

“If you don’t do what I think you should do, you will be making the wrong choice. People will think you are a bad person because of it.”

“If you love me, you will do this.”

“If you don’t do what I say you will be punished.”

“I can’t believe you don’t want what I want. How could you hurt someone who has done nothing but care for you?”

“If you will be obedient to every thing I tell you, then you will be good enough and safe.”

“If you are not obedient, you could lose everything you care about and you will be unhappy. I only tell you this because I care and want you to make the best choice.”

“You don’t need to think for yourself, just do what I say. I’ve got you.”

It’s likely that everyone has either said, thought, or heard similar phrases before. Or, you may search “manipulation phrases” and find those with which you are more familiar.  

Abusers of power use such words to have influence over others to further their own agendas, lusts (obsessions), and desires. Behind the scenes, they like to create a scenario that causes fear. Then they come forward with a show of emotion and care while providing a solution. This tactic plays upon the free will of another and is less obvious than tyrannical laws and demands. Intentions may seem decent and for the “better good” of all global citizens, but as soon as carrying out those intentions involves behaviors like demanding, fear-tactics, aggrandizing, gaslighting, and/or condemning, know that the line has been crossed.

It is beneficial to work out agreements with others in a team effort to have an alignment of wills. However, bribery (i.e. holding a carrot on a string to herd people along) is a misuse of power and can be cleverly disguised as a traditional call for obedience. Bribes may be filled with sweet words, convincing logic, and desirable promises. When you say all the good things that people will be entitled to, encouraging them to comply so that you may gain or maintain control, you are in imbalanced power. If you take the time to observe, you will discover that bribery contains various disempowering energies based on intentions to get compliance. 

Imbalance: Compliance

(Listen to Compliance by Muse. Pay attention to how it makes you feel).

Compliance is one of the most deceptive forms of power abuse and manipulation. At its root, this approach can never truly empower the individual into knowing their own heart and journey or into taking full ownership of themselves. Compliance is the death of individual power and of balance.

Compliance is the opposite extreme of Dominance. It comes into play when you give up your own will and become the vessel of someone else’s. You give up your life to fate and others’ plans for you. You may feel like there is nothing you can do about your life, so you become a shell of yourself, a vessel without will. You become disconnected from your heart and carry on like a robot, complying at every turn.

Those who give up their power often think, even beyond awareness, things like:

“It’s what I’m supposed to do, so I just go with it.”

“I need to ignore how I feel and what I think. It’s easier that way.”

“What I feel or think doesn’t matter. There are so many things I have to do. It’s better to suck it up and just keep going.”

"I'm supposed to sacrifice everything for the good of (i.e. my spouse, my church, my family) in order to be a good enough person. What I desire or need doesn’t matter.”

“This is just how things are. I have no power to change anything.”

“My wants and/or needs cause more problems than they are worth.”

“I want so and so to like me enough to keep me around. If I do what they recommend or what they think is best I will belong and be wanted.”

“I don’t know what I should do. I will wait until I know what so and so is doing and go from there.”

“I don’t want to speak up and oppose what they say. If I do, I may be rejected.”

“I don’t have it in me to show up. But if I don’t, I will be responsible for everything that may go wrong.”

“I should do this. I will feel guilty if I don’t.”

I could go on listing common phrases like this, but I hope this list is enough to get the point across.

Constantly avoiding rocking any boats, getting rejected, or feeling unwanted is to give up and deny your own power. It always leads to the loss of your freedom. Powerlessness becomes your self-induced prison cell, barred with fear and compliance. Giving up your power out of a sense of obligation, worry, shame, or guilt is the furthest thing from being in alignment with your will or with those who support and empower you.

I know this can all feel pretty heavy, because these things may resonate with deep, painful parts of yourself that you want to pretend don’t exist. However, you do not have to keep running and hiding. Healing is possible. Tucked in your heart is the key of your prison cell: your will! Find it, use it, and be the vessel that carries you forward into freedom and happiness. Owning your power is worth every risk. 

Anger and Power

One of my favorite movies that illustrates this concept of balanced power is Ella Enchanted. As a baby, Ella was given the gift of obedience by a fairy. This gift was said to be the best anyone could have. Yet, it turned out that this gift was more of a curse than a blessing. Ella was constantly trying to carry out her own will, which didn’t end well most of the time. When it mattered most, she chose to stand in her power, broke the spell, and became the vessel of her will. This power was always within her. She just had to believe it.

I want to emphasize the process of Ella breaking free of the spell. Through her declarations, expressed with anger, she connected to her power and made her heroic triumph possible.

Anger is an emotion connected to Power. Ironically, it is also an emotion people are often afraid of and unsure about. Until recently, I’ve been afraid of anger and unsure of it myself. I used to feel shame for any of my moments of expressed anger. If someone else was angry towards me, I felt devastated and afraid of all sorts of things. Then I came to understand that anger is okay to feel. I learned how to sit with this emotion in a way that honored how I felt and created a safe place to curiously observe what was fueling the anger. By doing this, I learned so much about myself, about power, and about other people.

To summarize, I learned that those who abuse power use anger to control and to create fear. They push others around and disrespect personal boundaries in an effort to intimidate and to force compliance. Those who choose to give in tend to cower and scurry in order to survive their wrath. Anger then becomes attached to trauma and abuse, which is why people can be triggered by this emotion. People learn to fear anger through less-than-ideal experiences, and it is an unfortunate reality that those who abuse power take advantage of this fear.

Another observation about anger is that those who abuse power in a more subtle way can manipulate others to avoid feeling anger. It is an emotion people are told they should not feel if they are to be a good and worthy person. I find this to be most common in religious cultures, ranging through all sorts of situations. Why do you suppose this is? Why would it be beneficial to influence others to avoid feeling angry?

It is all about control and compliance. Consider the following questions:

Do angry slaves gain freedom or compliant slaves?

Does an angry superhero use their powers to obliterate the villain’s empire or a beer-belly Thor who is indifferent?

Do angry citizens overthrow governments and tyrants or dependent and complacent citizens?

Is it an angry person who finally says “no” to an abuser and walks away for good? Or, is it a mollified and silenced person?

Every time, it’s the person who channels their anger to protect boundaries like freedom and personal well-being. The anger that an empowered person feels is fueled by their desires to protect, serve, and live within their inalienable rights. It is also the fuel that propels them toward healing and wholeness. It is a declaration, “I will no longer comply for survival. I choose to live and thrive.”

Let me repeat: anger is connected to power, both imbalanced and balanced power. It literally shows up in both spaces. That does not imply that you need to be angry all of the time to be in balanced power (no Bruce Banner required). It does mean that anger can help you maintain that balance when it becomes threatened. It is within your right to own your power, your space, and the opportunity to live as you will.

Because anger is connected to both sides, it is the key emotion to observe when there are power struggles, arguments, or controversies. It can help you discern if you or other people are acting from balance or imbalance, and it can inform you when and where power is being repressed.

On a personal level, observing your expression of anger in any circumstance (whether you do the silent-angry or the vocal-angry), you will get a better understanding of your relationship with power. When you are angry, is it because you are fighting to uphold your boundaries and your right to carry out your own will? Or are you angry because someone else is not complying to your will?

If you are uncomfortable with anger, why do you think that is? Have you been mistreated by another’s use of power? Have you been afraid of what someone would do if you defied them? Have you misused your own power and still feel ashamed about it? Have you avoided feeling angry because of the emotions silenced beneath the anger? Have you felt afraid to connect to your power through anger? If so, why?

How do you feel about anger?

Take the time to find out. It will help you in your search for balanced Power.

(Click here to read a couple example stories and for self-evaluation questions).

All Rights Reserved.

Be Balanced: Introduction

 

Throughout my recent journey to find a true wholeness within myself, I have returned over and over again to the concept of balance. I have learned that balance, in all its many layers, is a vital key to unlocking my wholeness and becoming more of who I am and who I want to be. Patterns and visuals have dominated much of my thoughts the last couple of years, resulting in scattered papers and chicken-scratch notes in random places that I’m sure will continue to reappear for some time to come.

This compilation of thoughts is my way of organizing what I have learned for myself, as well as to develop a system to self-evaluate where and when there is imbalance and to have a direction to go in returning to self. For me, when I put in the effort to return to self and find connection there, my relationship with others and Divine Source naturally become healthier and stronger - not because other people in my life change, but because I change what is imbalanced within me.

What is balance?

Before I set out on this journey, I thought that in order for something to be balanced, it had to be equal in quantity with something else, like scales unmoving and perfectly aligned.

However, I’ve learned that this is not the case!

Balance is: the right measurement needed from moment to moment, a fluctuating flow that brings a dependable surety. This flow occurs between varying dualities working together, a unity forming one melody - a consistent rhythm with ever-changing harmonies.

I have found that the visual that perfectly illustrates balance is the infinity symbol or symbol of Eternity.

Here is a basic example to illustrate this:

A balanced sleep schedule is not made by sleeping 12 exact hours and being awake for 12 exact hours every single day like some robot could be programmed to do. Rather, a balance may look like a person getting 6 hours of sleep one night, waking up, and then being busy all day. Then, feeling exhausted, they go to sleep again for another 6 hours, but wake up feeling far from rested. Their body may require more sleep, and if this person is in tune to their body’s request and they sleep till they feel better rested, they have found balance through the right measurement of what they needed in that moment.

Naturally, it will be different every 24-hour cycle, but flowing between the duality (sleep and wakefulness) as best as possible adds to the overall health of a person. It becomes an infinity symbol where sleep becomes wakefulness and wakefulness returns to sleep.

The maintaining of balance is illustrated everywhere in nature and in our lives beyond our awareness or comprehension. Everything exists together by natural law because of balance; from the seasons, to tiny ecosystems, to the organized universe, it is a layered tapestry made of tiny threads woven together to create one, whole masterpiece. Take a look for yourself and see what you notice. It will give you greater understanding beyond what I can tell you.

Balance is timeless, yet it is delicate.

It is both certain and uncertain.

It is ever moving, yet holds the space of true security and wholeness.

It is both a journey and a destination.

 

What is imbalance?

While balance is the connection and unity of opposites, imbalance generally takes on the form of two extremes of the two opposites. Imbalance, in a nutshell, is where chaos and temporary disintegration occurs. This is also where our behaviors create more imbalance unless changed.

For example, if you over-indulge in sleep or experience a deprivation of sleep (over-indulge in wakefulness), you experience an unhealthy extreme that leads to an imbalanced state that takes away from the wellness of your life and being.

There is an over-arching Balance (with a big “B”) that makes up this universe, and imbalance is actually a vital part of this great Balance and your very existence. For this reason, imbalance cannot be labeled as “bad” or something to be ashamed of.

In order for you to be more fully Balanced and unlock your wholeness, understand that it is the very way of life that you flow between both balance and imbalance. Nature’s cycles play out this dynamic constantly, it being the way of growth, change, and movement.

Imbalance is present even in the way you physically get from one place to another. When you lift one foot to walk, you create a moment of imbalance, which then leads you to balance again when that foot is placed in front of you. It doesn’t make sense to hop around everywhere on one foot in an exhausting struggle of imbalance, or to remain in one place indefinitely in an illusion of constant balance, only to fall over backwards from locked knees. True progression is not achieved while remaining in imbalance.

However, any imbalance can be used to propel you forward into balance through awareness. It need only be temporary in the larger scheme of things, because in some way, at some time, an imbalance will return to balance due to natural law of the greater Balance. So don’t fight, ignore, or deny what is there. This will only create conflict within yourself and the opposite of wholeness and well-being.

We all experience imbalance in many aspects and layers, from day to day and year to year. It is simply reality. Any fear-based behavior, unbelief (a belief of limitation), or uncomfortable emotion can be accepted, honored, touched with love, and then returned to balance each time that you return to yourself. As you read about the many layers in the coming chapters, your perspective of what is imbalanced with expand.

Where ever you are right now, whatever space you feel you are in today, it does not matter. You will find imbalance in yourself, and it is a gift if you use it propel you forward.

 

Finding Your Balance

Finding your balance is a personal journey. Only you have access to the map that will get you to where you desire to be.

For this reason, I will not provide all the answers (not that I have them anyway), or an all-inclusive set of dynamics for every possible situation. My goal is not to provide the “how to”, but my deepest hope is that the following words I will write will be a sort of compass and a guide to encourage you to pick up your own map. I invite you to be willing to take a good look at where you are, where you want to go, who you want to be, and how you want to feel.

Have you ever desired to feel and experience more of the following?

Peace 

Clarity

Love

Freedom

Security

Joy

Abundance

Growth

Health

Progression

Meekness

Creation

Connection

Power

Light/Truth

These things come from balance and lead to balance.

If you have desired these things that come from balance and lead to balance, then it is extremely likely that you have experienced any number of the things in the next list:

Conflict

Illusion

Fear

Limitation

Insecurity

Apathy

Scarcity

Depression

Poor health

Stagnancy

Pride

Control/Manipulation

Disconnection

Abuse

Darkness

If you are familiar with any of those things listed, you have experienced imbalance. This awareness is the first step and it can serve you if you choose. As you strive to move from imbalance into balance, you will have opportunities to look through perspective lenses of your relationship with yourself, with others, and with your Divine Source. You can also explore the dynamics of emotions, behaviors, and beliefs while letting go of limiting labels of who you are and who you perceive others to be.

Your balance cannot be forced, and it does not come from the outside, regardless of what you think external things and people “should” be in order for you to feel a certain way.

You have it in you to find balance. You ARE nature, so the instincts are within.

Dare to look inward and choose to trust yourself one step at a time.

Written and Created by Danie Davis. All Rights Reserved. 

My Shame-Free 100%

Capacity. 

It's a trigger word for me.

You know that trend going around where people are choosing a "word of the year?" Well, the universe gives me words randomly all the time to learn from. They become a treasure to me because each time this happens I am sent on a journey to learn something and it helps me grow and progress.  

When a certain word stands out to me, I start by inquiring into what the word's meaning is. I will go to the well-loved, 1828 Webster's Dictionary to add clarity, but the dictionary definitions are only a small part of my inquiry. Words have certain meaning to me beyond what a dictionary offers, a meaning that is attached to beliefs, emotions, and thought patterns. I end up taking all of these aspects into consideration and the self-inquiry is both intense and fascinating. It generally leads me to redefine a word by changing what it means to me.

For example, this is a summary of what Webster's 1828 dictionary defines capacity as: ability; condition; character; active power; the power of receiving and/or giving; power of containing, or holding. 

What does it mean to me? It is a word that means it is suddenly in question that I am good enough as I am. It brings with it a flood of fear quickly followed by shame and guilt. It feels like scarcity and lack in my very being. My inner thoughts are like:

Do I have the capacity to do what I need to do?

I don't have the capacity to show up for my kids today. I SHOULD have the capacity.

I don't have the capacity to receive what I desire, even though I have tried so hard.

I don't have the capacity to understand what I am trying to understand. 

I could do this if I didn't lack the capacity! What is wrong with me?

Why is my willpower not enough to influence my capacity to change?

What can I do to prove to myself and others that I have the capacity to do certain things? 

See how it leads to this spiral of defeat and the shame of not being good enough? Just struggling to believe in my capacity to be good enough, the ability to be who I want to be, is a trial in and of itself. I feel like I can safely assume that I am not alone in this type of struggle.

When I start a new round of my online classes, I tell my mentees over and over again that they are only expected to show up at  their 100%, whatever that looks like from day to day. I emphasize that their 100% IS good enough. If a mentee shows up to class with a messy mom-bun, no make-up and a grumpy toddler at her side, it is good enough. If a mentee is applying the course tools at whatever level he can, his effort is 100% good enough, regardless of the results. 

I tell myself the same thing often during my own mental pep-talks. In fact, a couple days ago when I was struggling emotionally, out of habit I told myself that my 100% in showing up for my kids was good enough. But... in that moment... I became aware that I don't always believe in my own 100% being enough. 

This is my 100% but it should be more.

I should have the capacity to do more, but I don't.

The word "should" is a shame-word rooted in fear. It is the word that argues with reality, and arguing with reality is a sure way to bring about my suffering and feeling pressed down by the weight of not being/doing enough, aka de-pressed. 

So how in the world do I get out of the spiral and turn all this around? Well, that's just it. I turn it around and flip the energy by redefining what "capacity" means to me. I remember that fear is always a liar. I stop arguing with reality and instead I touch reality with love and get back to JOY. ("Loving What Is" by Byron Katie plus my tools for Joy have been and are invaluable here).

I will share a little bit of what the journey to turn-around has been so far. 

The first thing I heard that had me questioning my belief of not having a certain level of capacity is a thing to be ashamed of was a conversation my husband had with my 10 year old son. My husband, James, asked our son, "If I were to give you the keys to the truck and have you go to the store and get groceries for the week for our family, do you think you could do that?" 

My son looked slightly alarmed and shook his head and replied, "I don't know how to drive." 

James asked, "If I were to spend an hour showing you how to drive, would that help?"

At this point my son looked slightly confused, wondering where this conversation was going, and if his dad was being serious.

James responded to the confused look by explaining, "It isn't a bad thing that you don't have the capacity to drive yet and it doesn't mean that you never will have that capacity. Today just isn't that day, and sometimes our capacity to do things grows over an extended amount of time as we mentally develop, practice things, and learn."

I listened to this conversation and was in awe. Oh my goodness! He's right! My son's 100% capacity is nothing to be ashamed of and he shouldn't have any different capacity sooner than he actually has it. This is reality and arguing that he should have more than he does is irrational. 

Then, in a conversation today, my friend asked me, "Have you heard of the Spoon Theory?" She paraphrased that, each day a person wakes up and has a certain number of spoons representing their energy capacity for the day. Every day the spoon amount is different, but the person gets to choose where they put their spoons.  If something comes up unexpectedly, the person can recognize that they don't have spoons to go to that thing, that it will have to wait until another time. When the spoons are gone, it's okay, and it is accepted. My friend also shared how it has helped her be more okay with what she has to give each day, and if she wants to get some more spoons she needs to do some self-care at some point. 

I was fascinated by what she was explaining to me! I thought about how silly it would be to wake up, have 5 spoons representing my 100% capacity for the day and I immediately respond, "I have only 5 spoons. I am a failure. I should have more in order to be good enough." How could I prove that I need more than 5? What if it turns out I only need 4 and my shame at having 5 made me miserable all day?

Interesting how reality can actually be kinder than what we say against reality, huh? 

I have 5 spoons. That is enough to do what I will do today because I will use those 5 spoons.

Or, I have 5 spoons. I should have 10 to do everything I have put on my list to do today. 

Which is less stressful?

One more example that is shifting my perspective on capacity is cold toes. Yes, that is correct. Cold toes (which I have right now, so that's ironic). 

Just because I have cold toes doesn't mean my blood supply is lacking. It is still at its 100% capacity. My body for some reason has just decided that blood is needed more in other places of my body than in my toes. 

So if, like my blood, my energy and time is put towards self-care and I don't put energy towards something else like laundry, did I lack the capacity to do all the things that day? No. My 100%, my spoons, my blood/life energy was being spent elsewhere. And it's enough!

My capacity just is what it is, making it a 100% always. It is always enough until I argue against reality and resist the natural flow of life.

I have the capacity to do what I do.

I have the capacity to show up for myself today and keep my kids alive. This is enough.

I have the capacity to receive what I desire in the very moment that I receive it.

I have the capacity to understand what I understand and I anticipate my capacity expanding as I understand more.

I have all the capacity I need in the moment I need it. If I don't have a certain level of capacity, I don't need it.

My capacity to change is ever expanding because my capacity changes with change.

I cannot prove my capacity to be more than it is. I love what it is and honor it. 

Capacity.

It is a treasured word to me.

Capacity isn't being LIMITED.

Capacity is being ABLE.

My 100% really can be shame-free. 

A Healthy Selfish

 

A while back I read a Facebook post where a lady asked a ponder-worthy question. She said, "A woman at church asked me if she could hold my newborn. I politely told told her that she couldn't. She then called me selfish. Was that really selfish of me? I am not sure what to think."

Since then I have paid attention to the word "selfish" used in various places and situations. I've came to the conclusion that I needed to redefine "selfish" because something wasn't sitting right. If I were to ask myself (and quite possibly others) for a simple definition of selfish, the easy answer is, “thinking of yourself instead of others." 

But... can a person think of themselves before thinking of someone else in certain situations and it is a HEALTHY thing? If so, is there a healthy selfish? Or is selfish always bad? What is selfishness exactly and how can I redefine it if need be? How do I know if I am selfish or if I am acting in self-care? Where is the line, where is the balance?

As I have pondered on these questions, I have gained the perspective that there is a healthy type of selfish (according to the general definition that selfish is thinking of yourself instead of others). Not only is there a healthy selfish, there is an unhealthy selfless as well! AND! A healthy selfish is actually necessary to living more wholeheartedly and goes back to my previous post about balance.

When it comes to balance in most things, I believe there are generally two extremes on both ends of a balanced space or the "happy medium". The two ends of extreme opposites rarely, if ever, serve anyone and are famous for being considered unhealthy.

This is what it looks like in my mind's eye:

A healthy selfish and selfless exists in the happy medium space. As the infinity symbol shows, balance doesn't mean that I show an equal amount of self-care AND care for others at all times. Rather, it is a rhythm that ebbs and flows in all its times and seasons. What I receive for myself directly affects what I have to give to others and what I choose to receive from others is what I give to myself. So, there is a time to think of myself and it's not a bad thing! And there are other times that I can show up for others without burn-out and resentment. 

Here's a summary of what I put together to help me check in with my intentions and where I choose to sit in different situations:

A person who tends to sit in an unhealthy selfish, with a take-mentality (receiving without the intention to give) along with any number of the other things listed above, will by natural consequence seek to associate with people who sit in unhealthy selfless. Unhealthy-selfless people are those who give, give, give at the expense of self, willing to play the martyr to keep the peace and do "the right thing." Too often, this type of relationship involves manipulation, control, and various types and levels of abuse. It is unhealthy in so many ways that I don't need to go into.

Perhaps the reason why people, who have sat in an unhealthy-selfless, suddenly set clear boundaries, are called "selfish" and "uncaring." It's a good thing perceived as a bad thing! Boundaries and standing up for one's self and honoring one's self is a part of balance. It is a returning to self in an act of self-care, self-preservation, and self-love.

So the next time someone says you are selfish for civilly setting clear boundaries, or expressing that you are not comfortable sharing your newborn, you are welcome to take it as a compliment ;)

Or, if you feel like you need to distance from someone because you need that for your mental/emotional health because it is affecting your capacity to show up for your children, then do it. This is you receiving what you need with the intention to give more to your children.  THIS IS HEALTHY! 

Or, the next time that you tell yourself that you shouldn't take care of yourself, and you guilt-trip yourself out of showing up for yourself, ask, "If I take the time to receive for me, how will I be able to more effectively show up for those around me?" 

There is no shame in healthy "selfish." Christ took time for Himself when He needed it AND He showed up for others in the best timing and way for each situation (think of what He did after John the Baptist was killed). He demonstrated balance and boundaries. It’s okay for you to do the same. 

Let your yes be yes, and your no be no - whether it involves yourself or others. You are enough to show up for yourself when you need it, just as much as others are worth your service and love. 

And...

Never forget that you deserve to have people in your life who also flow in and understand this balance. These types of relationships are a boon in life.

Giving Is Not Better Than Receiving

The common phrase of "it is better to give than to receive" just doesn’t sit well with me anymore, and here is why:

For a while now, the concept of RECEIVING has popped up in my life all over the place, causing me to stop and reevaluate my perspectives. Countless times I have reflected on this word, what it means, and why it is different from "taking" and its relationship with "giving". During my ponderings, Mother Nature has taught me a few things.

One day during the summer, a small thunderstorm rolled in and provided a light drizzle of rain. My family and I sat out on the porch, watching the rain fall. After a while, my husband told me that before it started raining, he felt the grass, trees, and flowers sitting in excited anticipation for the coming rain. Then, the plant life all rejoiced in what they received as the storm came to an end.

There was that word "receive" again. As I thought about what my husband described to me, I felt the rightness of his words. 

Plants don’t take the rain that falls; that is an energy of lack and imbalance, a fear that there is a scarcity and keeping to oneself. Plants instead receive and rejoice. If you spend enough time in nature, you can feel this. Receiving is an energy that harmonizes with nature, because it connects life to abundance and balance.  

A tree, for example, receives sunlight and air, as well as water and nutrients from the soil. With the light, air, water, and nutrients, the tree lives, grows, and bears fruit. All the while it is receiving, it is giving back to the world. There is no lack here. There is only abundance and balance.

Another example from Mother Nature comes from the bird feeder hanging in my backyard. I watch the birds come to the bird feeder throughout the year. They happily receive what I have put there just for them. All they have to do to receive is to show up at the bird feeder and eat. They chirp and bounce from branch to branch around the feeder, and in their moment of receiving, they give birdsong and joy to me, completing a cycle of balance.

So is it better to give than to receive? No. I don't believe this to be true. What can anyone give unless they first receive? How can giving be better when receiving is just as important? What a person receives truly affects what they are able to give, and all living things can thrive joyfully when existing in this balance of receiving and giving. It is within this balance that there is flow, connection, and symbiotic relationships and it makes the world a better place.

I receive before I give, and in my giving, I open up space to receive more, grow, and give all over again. 

It's joy. It's beauty. It's the foundational cycle of life.