Story #1
If you have ever been around a toddler, you know that the
power struggles are frequent and very real! Even young kids know that they
always have choice, and they fight for that right with all that they are!
(Unless their will has been broken through constant abuse, but that’s a topic
for another time).
As a parent, I fight for power just as frequently it seems,
and it is in this role where I struggle with imbalanced power the most. It
shows up in the little day to day things, simple situations like the following
story.
My eldest daughter had a soccer game one night and we were
running late. We were all rushing for shoes and last-minute bathroom visits,
while I was yelling for everyone to get in the car. I wanted my youngest (3
years old at the time) to put on his more practical shoes that I knew he could
walk fast in. He told me, “No! I want to wear my boots!” I repeated myself by
telling him to put on his sandals, and then added in the threat that he isn’t
allowed to get in the car until he does.
I knew that he was excited to go to the soccer game, and I
was going to keep it from him until he listened to me. But as soon as that
threat came out of my mouth, I realized how illogical my threat was because I
wanted everyone in the car as soon as possible. It was this moment of awareness
that I evaluated my intentions.
I wanted him to wear shoes that he could walk quickly in so
we could move along where we needed to go. It would be more convenient if he
would just wear the shoes I knew would be best. He wanted to wear his big,
sweaty boots that he could barely walk in. He didn’t understand all my reasons
and I didn’t want him complaining to me later. But ultimately, my intentions
were that I wanted him to wear a certain pair of shoes for my
convenience and to not let him get away with telling me “no.”
Realistically, there was nothing wrong with him choosing to
wear his favorite boots and learning for himself if sweaty feet is what he
actually likes or not. There was no immediate danger to his life, or healthy
boundaries being disrespected. Everything would be just fine if I walked more
slowly with him while everyone else hurried to the game. To force him to wear
sandals at this point would only be demanding that he comply to my will.
The sudden self-awareness of where I was coming from caused
me to quickly shift gears and back down.
Could I support him, even though I disagreed with his choice
and may have to deal with some inconveniences? Yes. Can I empower him to gain
more experience with different shoes so that he can be more independent in his
choices going forward? Absolutely.
In the end, I chose to empower my child rather than seek to
control him.
He did learn that boots are hard to run in and make his feet
sweaty (which he expressed with great displeasure). When the next soccer game
happened, I gently reminded him that his boots are hard to run in and asked him
to wear his sandals. Without a fight, and with our wills aligned, he put on his
sandals and got in the car.
Story #2
Our local High School Varsity Football team was playing
their last home game of the season. Shortly after the game started, I heard the
loud speakers and the cheering crowd from inside my house. On impulse, I
decided to take all four of my kids to the game for the sake of adventure. We
quickly got dressed and made our way to the High School.
By the time we made it to the stands, my two youngest
children (ages 4 and 5) had already tested my patience a handful of times. We
found a place to sit and we enjoyed the second quarter of the game, but by the
end of the 3rd quarter I was done.
My two youngest thought it funny to see how far they could
get away from me before I noticed. It was dark outside and there were lots of
people in an unfamiliar place. I was no longer willing to stay and let my kids
push the boundaries for their safety. So we packed up and headed out.
As we were nearing the parking lot, my 4-year-old son,
dressed in dark clothing, took off running into the poor-lit parking right
towards an oncoming vehicle. I caught hold of him and told him that he would
need to hold my hand or I would carry him. This highly stubborn child refused
those two options and immediately tried to run off again.
I took hold of him and slung him over my shoulder like a
sack of potatoes and set off towards the car, with the other kids trailing
close behind me. My son fought me tooth and nail while screaming at me as loud
as he could. He was ticked! And I was just as angry and frustrated. It was not
easy holding on to a writhing anaconda-child so that he didn’t go crashing to
the pavement!
We eventually made it home and I got the kids to bed. My son
was still so upset that I had forced him to be carried. As I tucked him into
bed, he asked if I still loved him and why I tried to “choke” him by holding
him so tightly. I explained that I had held on to him to keep him safe because
I love him. I reassured him until he smiled and gave me a hug. But I still felt
awful because I felt like that situation was a big, fat parenting fail.
So, with the kids in bed, I took the time to evaluate how it
had all gone. I had been learning about balanced power and the dynamics of
anger, so this seemed a perfect moment to increase my understanding of the
concept.
Was he wrong to feel angry? No. He was understandably upset
at being restrained from what he wanted to do. However, he was completely
ignoring a boundary meant to keep him from immediate danger. That wasn’t okay.
Was I wrong to feel angry? No. I was holding boundary lines
to protect someone who doesn’t yet have the mental capacity and understanding
of the situation to protect himself. Though I used force, I came to realize
that it wasn’t an abuse of power because of the immediate danger and the
responsibility I had as a parent in that moment. I did my best to make sure he
learned something from the experience, but most importantly I assured him of my
love.
I learned that it is balanced to protect those who cannot
protect themselves or even those who ask for assistance. This isn’t a forcing
of will upon another, but good heart-intention.
On the other hand, if another person has the ability to
protect themselves and does not want assistance, it isn’t my responsibility to do
it for them. To intervene here would be imbalance, regardless of how much I
care about them. My job is to give support and guidance that the person is
willing to receive, and to let them learn and gain experience of their own in a
shame-free environment.
SELF-EVALUATION QUESTIONS:
When faced with making a choice, check in and ask:
1. 1. What do I desire to yield to?
2. 2. What do I desire to resist?
3. 3. What is my heart’s “yes” and “no?”
4. 4. Which is louder, my heart’s “yes” or my heart’s “no?”
Why?
5. 5. Why is this my heart’s “yes”/”no”? (ask this
until you get to the root reason that resonates with your heart, not your
mind).
6. 6. Are my intentions balanced? Why or why not?
7. 7. If there is fear in my heart, what do I need to
do to flip that fear into self-empowerment?
8. 8. Is there anyone in my space that I am
neglecting, silencing, diminishing, or using on any level? What are my
intentions behind how I treat this person?
9. 9. Am I choosing to be the vessel of someone else’s
will because I feel obligation and/or guilt? What am I worried about that is
repressing my power?
When you know the what and the why of your
will, ask:
1. 1. What am I accountable for?
2. 2. What actions are my responsibility in order for
me to move forward?
3. 3. What can I do to carry out my own will without
pushing responsibility on anyone else?
4. 4. Do I have any expectations for others in regards
to my will? If so, how do I let those expectations go?
5. 5. How do I move forward without fear or trying to
control people and circumstances?
6. 6. Am I using my emotions, mind, or body in a way
that pushes others to do what I want them to? If so, what can I do to move back
to balance?
7. 7. If I empower myself, what am I capable of doing?
When you feel angry, check in to see where you are in your
relationship with power.
1. 1. Are you feeling angry because your boundaries
are not being respected?
2. 2. Are you angry because others are not doing what
you think they should be doing?
3. 3. Do you feel angry because of all the resentment
built up inside from doing so much for others out of obligation?
4. 4. Are you angry because someone told you “no?”
5. 5. Do you feel angry because someone chose not to
listen to you?
6. 6. Do you feel angry because you are feeling
protective?
7. 7. Do you feel angry because, under the surface,
you are actually feeling afraid of not being good enough?
8. 8. Do I feel resentment or bitterness? If so, how am
I giving up my power? What am I saying “yes” to that my heart says “no” to?
***Anger can show up in so many different situations. Ask
yourself whatever questions you need in order to understand what you are doing
with your power.
When there is a controversy or argument between people, pay
attention to how anger shows up.
1. 1. Is the anger coming from a pushing of wills?
2. 2. Is it coming from holding up a boundary line?
3. 3. Is the anger expressed in self-protection or a
protection of rights?
4. 4. Is the anger being expressed through blaming or
threats?
A person balanced in power sees the strengths of another
and empowers that person to use those strengths for good and for further
growth.
A person balanced in power sees the weakness of another
and empowers and supports that person to work with the weakness until it
becomes a strength.
A person imbalanced in power sees weakness of another and
uses that weakness against the other person for personal gain and control.
A person imbalanced in power sees the strength of another
and seeks to harness and manipulate the strength until it becomes the downfall
of the other person.
A person imbalanced in power denies their own strength
and will by relenting to the desires and will of others.
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