Capacity.
It's a trigger word for me.
You know that trend going around where people are choosing a "word of the year?" Well, the universe gives me words randomly all the time to learn from. They become a treasure to me because each time this happens I am sent on a journey to learn something and it helps me grow and progress.
When a certain word stands out to me, I start by inquiring into what the word's meaning is. I will go to the well-loved, 1828 Webster's Dictionary to add clarity, but the dictionary definitions are only a small part of my inquiry. Words have certain meaning to me beyond what a dictionary offers, a meaning that is attached to beliefs, emotions, and thought patterns. I end up taking all of these aspects into consideration and the self-inquiry is both intense and fascinating. It generally leads me to redefine a word by changing what it means to me.
For example, this is a summary of what Webster's 1828 dictionary defines capacity as: ability; condition; character; active power; the power of receiving and/or giving; power of containing, or holding.
What does it mean to me? It is a word that means it is suddenly in question that I am good enough as I am. It brings with it a flood of fear quickly followed by shame and guilt. It feels like scarcity and lack in my very being. My inner thoughts are like:
Do I have the capacity to do what I need to do?
I don't have the capacity to show up for my kids today. I SHOULD have the capacity.
I don't have the capacity to receive what I desire, even though I have tried so hard.
I don't have the capacity to understand what I am trying to understand.
I could do this if I didn't lack the capacity! What is wrong with me?
Why is my willpower not enough to influence my capacity to change?
What can I do to prove to myself and others that I have the capacity to do certain things?
See how it leads to this spiral of defeat and the shame of not being good enough? Just struggling to believe in my capacity to be good enough, the ability to be who I want to be, is a trial in and of itself. I feel like I can safely assume that I am not alone in this type of struggle.
When I start a new round of my online classes, I tell my mentees over and over again that they are only expected to show up at their 100%, whatever that looks like from day to day. I emphasize that their 100% IS good enough. If a mentee shows up to class with a messy mom-bun, no make-up and a grumpy toddler at her side, it is good enough. If a mentee is applying the course tools at whatever level he can, his effort is 100% good enough, regardless of the results.
I tell myself the same thing often during my own mental pep-talks. In fact, a couple days ago when I was struggling emotionally, out of habit I told myself that my 100% in showing up for my kids was good enough. But... in that moment... I became aware that I don't always believe in my own 100% being enough.
This is my 100% but it should be more.
I should have the capacity to do more, but I don't.
The word "should" is a shame-word rooted in fear. It is the word that argues with reality, and arguing with reality is a sure way to bring about my suffering and feeling pressed down by the weight of not being/doing enough, aka de-pressed.
So how in the world do I get out of the spiral and turn all this around? Well, that's just it. I turn it around and flip the energy by redefining what "capacity" means to me. I remember that fear is always a liar. I stop arguing with reality and instead I touch reality with love and get back to JOY. ("Loving What Is" by Byron Katie plus my tools for Joy have been and are invaluable here).
I will share a little bit of what the journey to turn-around has been so far.
The first thing I heard that had me questioning my belief of not having a certain level of capacity is a thing to be ashamed of was a conversation my husband had with my 10 year old son. My husband, James, asked our son, "If I were to give you the keys to the truck and have you go to the store and get groceries for the week for our family, do you think you could do that?"
My son looked slightly alarmed and shook his head and replied, "I don't know how to drive."
James asked, "If I were to spend an hour showing you how to drive, would that help?"
At this point my son looked slightly confused, wondering where this conversation was going, and if his dad was being serious.
James responded to the confused look by explaining, "It isn't a bad thing that you don't have the capacity to drive yet and it doesn't mean that you never will have that capacity. Today just isn't that day, and sometimes our capacity to do things grows over an extended amount of time as we mentally develop, practice things, and learn."
I listened to this conversation and was in awe. Oh my goodness! He's right! My son's 100% capacity is nothing to be ashamed of and he shouldn't have any different capacity sooner than he actually has it. This is reality and arguing that he should have more than he does is irrational.
Then, in a conversation today, my friend asked me, "Have you heard of the Spoon Theory?" She paraphrased that, each day a person wakes up and has a certain number of spoons representing their energy capacity for the day. Every day the spoon amount is different, but the person gets to choose where they put their spoons. If something comes up unexpectedly, the person can recognize that they don't have spoons to go to that thing, that it will have to wait until another time. When the spoons are gone, it's okay, and it is accepted. My friend also shared how it has helped her be more okay with what she has to give each day, and if she wants to get some more spoons she needs to do some self-care at some point.
I was fascinated by what she was explaining to me! I thought about how silly it would be to wake up, have 5 spoons representing my 100% capacity for the day and I immediately respond, "I have only 5 spoons. I am a failure. I should have more in order to be good enough." How could I prove that I need more than 5? What if it turns out I only need 4 and my shame at having 5 made me miserable all day?
Interesting how reality can actually be kinder than what we say against reality, huh?
I have 5 spoons. That is enough to do what I will do today because I will use those 5 spoons.
Or, I have 5 spoons. I should have 10 to do everything I have put on my list to do today.
Which is less stressful?
One more example that is shifting my perspective on capacity is cold toes. Yes, that is correct. Cold toes (which I have right now, so that's ironic).
Just because I have cold toes doesn't mean my blood supply is lacking. It is still at its 100% capacity. My body for some reason has just decided that blood is needed more in other places of my body than in my toes.
So if, like my blood, my energy and time is put towards self-care and I don't put energy towards something else like laundry, did I lack the capacity to do all the things that day? No. My 100%, my spoons, my blood/life energy was being spent elsewhere. And it's enough!
My capacity just is what it is, making it a 100% always. It is always enough until I argue against reality and resist the natural flow of life.
I have the capacity to do what I do.
I have the capacity to show up for myself today and keep my kids alive. This is enough.
I have the capacity to receive what I desire in the very moment that I receive it.
I have the capacity to understand what I understand and I anticipate my capacity expanding as I understand more.
I have all the capacity I need in the moment I need it. If I don't have a certain level of capacity, I don't need it.
My capacity to change is ever expanding because my capacity changes with change.
I cannot prove my capacity to be more than it is. I love what it is and honor it.
Capacity.
It is a treasured word to me.
Capacity isn't being LIMITED.
Capacity is being ABLE.
My 100% really can be shame-free.
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