My Shame-Free 100%

Capacity. 

It's a trigger word for me.

You know that trend going around where people are choosing a "word of the year?" Well, the universe gives me words randomly all the time to learn from. They become a treasure to me because each time this happens I am sent on a journey to learn something and it helps me grow and progress.  

When a certain word stands out to me, I start by inquiring into what the word's meaning is. I will go to the well-loved, 1828 Webster's Dictionary to add clarity, but the dictionary definitions are only a small part of my inquiry. Words have certain meaning to me beyond what a dictionary offers, a meaning that is attached to beliefs, emotions, and thought patterns. I end up taking all of these aspects into consideration and the self-inquiry is both intense and fascinating. It generally leads me to redefine a word by changing what it means to me.

For example, this is a summary of what Webster's 1828 dictionary defines capacity as: ability; condition; character; active power; the power of receiving and/or giving; power of containing, or holding. 

What does it mean to me? It is a word that means it is suddenly in question that I am good enough as I am. It brings with it a flood of fear quickly followed by shame and guilt. It feels like scarcity and lack in my very being. My inner thoughts are like:

Do I have the capacity to do what I need to do?

I don't have the capacity to show up for my kids today. I SHOULD have the capacity.

I don't have the capacity to receive what I desire, even though I have tried so hard.

I don't have the capacity to understand what I am trying to understand. 

I could do this if I didn't lack the capacity! What is wrong with me?

Why is my willpower not enough to influence my capacity to change?

What can I do to prove to myself and others that I have the capacity to do certain things? 

See how it leads to this spiral of defeat and the shame of not being good enough? Just struggling to believe in my capacity to be good enough, the ability to be who I want to be, is a trial in and of itself. I feel like I can safely assume that I am not alone in this type of struggle.

When I start a new round of my online classes, I tell my mentees over and over again that they are only expected to show up at  their 100%, whatever that looks like from day to day. I emphasize that their 100% IS good enough. If a mentee shows up to class with a messy mom-bun, no make-up and a grumpy toddler at her side, it is good enough. If a mentee is applying the course tools at whatever level he can, his effort is 100% good enough, regardless of the results. 

I tell myself the same thing often during my own mental pep-talks. In fact, a couple days ago when I was struggling emotionally, out of habit I told myself that my 100% in showing up for my kids was good enough. But... in that moment... I became aware that I don't always believe in my own 100% being enough. 

This is my 100% but it should be more.

I should have the capacity to do more, but I don't.

The word "should" is a shame-word rooted in fear. It is the word that argues with reality, and arguing with reality is a sure way to bring about my suffering and feeling pressed down by the weight of not being/doing enough, aka de-pressed. 

So how in the world do I get out of the spiral and turn all this around? Well, that's just it. I turn it around and flip the energy by redefining what "capacity" means to me. I remember that fear is always a liar. I stop arguing with reality and instead I touch reality with love and get back to JOY. ("Loving What Is" by Byron Katie plus my tools for Joy have been and are invaluable here).

I will share a little bit of what the journey to turn-around has been so far. 

The first thing I heard that had me questioning my belief of not having a certain level of capacity is a thing to be ashamed of was a conversation my husband had with my 10 year old son. My husband, James, asked our son, "If I were to give you the keys to the truck and have you go to the store and get groceries for the week for our family, do you think you could do that?" 

My son looked slightly alarmed and shook his head and replied, "I don't know how to drive." 

James asked, "If I were to spend an hour showing you how to drive, would that help?"

At this point my son looked slightly confused, wondering where this conversation was going, and if his dad was being serious.

James responded to the confused look by explaining, "It isn't a bad thing that you don't have the capacity to drive yet and it doesn't mean that you never will have that capacity. Today just isn't that day, and sometimes our capacity to do things grows over an extended amount of time as we mentally develop, practice things, and learn."

I listened to this conversation and was in awe. Oh my goodness! He's right! My son's 100% capacity is nothing to be ashamed of and he shouldn't have any different capacity sooner than he actually has it. This is reality and arguing that he should have more than he does is irrational. 

Then, in a conversation today, my friend asked me, "Have you heard of the Spoon Theory?" She paraphrased that, each day a person wakes up and has a certain number of spoons representing their energy capacity for the day. Every day the spoon amount is different, but the person gets to choose where they put their spoons.  If something comes up unexpectedly, the person can recognize that they don't have spoons to go to that thing, that it will have to wait until another time. When the spoons are gone, it's okay, and it is accepted. My friend also shared how it has helped her be more okay with what she has to give each day, and if she wants to get some more spoons she needs to do some self-care at some point. 

I was fascinated by what she was explaining to me! I thought about how silly it would be to wake up, have 5 spoons representing my 100% capacity for the day and I immediately respond, "I have only 5 spoons. I am a failure. I should have more in order to be good enough." How could I prove that I need more than 5? What if it turns out I only need 4 and my shame at having 5 made me miserable all day?

Interesting how reality can actually be kinder than what we say against reality, huh? 

I have 5 spoons. That is enough to do what I will do today because I will use those 5 spoons.

Or, I have 5 spoons. I should have 10 to do everything I have put on my list to do today. 

Which is less stressful?

One more example that is shifting my perspective on capacity is cold toes. Yes, that is correct. Cold toes (which I have right now, so that's ironic). 

Just because I have cold toes doesn't mean my blood supply is lacking. It is still at its 100% capacity. My body for some reason has just decided that blood is needed more in other places of my body than in my toes. 

So if, like my blood, my energy and time is put towards self-care and I don't put energy towards something else like laundry, did I lack the capacity to do all the things that day? No. My 100%, my spoons, my blood/life energy was being spent elsewhere. And it's enough!

My capacity just is what it is, making it a 100% always. It is always enough until I argue against reality and resist the natural flow of life.

I have the capacity to do what I do.

I have the capacity to show up for myself today and keep my kids alive. This is enough.

I have the capacity to receive what I desire in the very moment that I receive it.

I have the capacity to understand what I understand and I anticipate my capacity expanding as I understand more.

I have all the capacity I need in the moment I need it. If I don't have a certain level of capacity, I don't need it.

My capacity to change is ever expanding because my capacity changes with change.

I cannot prove my capacity to be more than it is. I love what it is and honor it. 

Capacity.

It is a treasured word to me.

Capacity isn't being LIMITED.

Capacity is being ABLE.

My 100% really can be shame-free. 

A Healthy Selfish

 

A while back I read a Facebook post where a lady asked a ponder-worthy question. She said, "A woman at church asked me if she could hold my newborn. I politely told told her that she couldn't. She then called me selfish. Was that really selfish of me? I am not sure what to think."

Since then I have paid attention to the word "selfish" used in various places and situations. I've came to the conclusion that I needed to redefine "selfish" because something wasn't sitting right. If I were to ask myself (and quite possibly others) for a simple definition of selfish, the easy answer is, “thinking of yourself instead of others." 

But... can a person think of themselves before thinking of someone else in certain situations and it is a HEALTHY thing? If so, is there a healthy selfish? Or is selfish always bad? What is selfishness exactly and how can I redefine it if need be? How do I know if I am selfish or if I am acting in self-care? Where is the line, where is the balance?

As I have pondered on these questions, I have gained the perspective that there is a healthy type of selfish (according to the general definition that selfish is thinking of yourself instead of others). Not only is there a healthy selfish, there is an unhealthy selfless as well! AND! A healthy selfish is actually necessary to living more wholeheartedly and goes back to my previous post about balance.

When it comes to balance in most things, I believe there are generally two extremes on both ends of a balanced space or the "happy medium". The two ends of extreme opposites rarely, if ever, serve anyone and are famous for being considered unhealthy.

This is what it looks like in my mind's eye:

A healthy selfish and selfless exists in the happy medium space. As the infinity symbol shows, balance doesn't mean that I show an equal amount of self-care AND care for others at all times. Rather, it is a rhythm that ebbs and flows in all its times and seasons. What I receive for myself directly affects what I have to give to others and what I choose to receive from others is what I give to myself. So, there is a time to think of myself and it's not a bad thing! And there are other times that I can show up for others without burn-out and resentment. 

Here's a summary of what I put together to help me check in with my intentions and where I choose to sit in different situations:

A person who tends to sit in an unhealthy selfish, with a take-mentality (receiving without the intention to give) along with any number of the other things listed above, will by natural consequence seek to associate with people who sit in unhealthy selfless. Unhealthy-selfless people are those who give, give, give at the expense of self, willing to play the martyr to keep the peace and do "the right thing." Too often, this type of relationship involves manipulation, control, and various types and levels of abuse. It is unhealthy in so many ways that I don't need to go into.

Perhaps the reason why people, who have sat in an unhealthy-selfless, suddenly set clear boundaries, are called "selfish" and "uncaring." It's a good thing perceived as a bad thing! Boundaries and standing up for one's self and honoring one's self is a part of balance. It is a returning to self in an act of self-care, self-preservation, and self-love.

So the next time someone says you are selfish for civilly setting clear boundaries, or expressing that you are not comfortable sharing your newborn, you are welcome to take it as a compliment ;)

Or, if you feel like you need to distance from someone because you need that for your mental/emotional health because it is affecting your capacity to show up for your children, then do it. This is you receiving what you need with the intention to give more to your children.  THIS IS HEALTHY! 

Or, the next time that you tell yourself that you shouldn't take care of yourself, and you guilt-trip yourself out of showing up for yourself, ask, "If I take the time to receive for me, how will I be able to more effectively show up for those around me?" 

There is no shame in healthy "selfish." Christ took time for Himself when He needed it AND He showed up for others in the best timing and way for each situation (think of what He did after John the Baptist was killed). He demonstrated balance and boundaries. It’s okay for you to do the same. 

Let your yes be yes, and your no be no - whether it involves yourself or others. You are enough to show up for yourself when you need it, just as much as others are worth your service and love. 

And...

Never forget that you deserve to have people in your life who also flow in and understand this balance. These types of relationships are a boon in life.

What is Balance?

                       

Wholeness comes with balance, and balance seems to be that type of existence that I am constantly striving for.

And because so much of my life is spent trying to hang out in this space of balance, having observed that my wholeness is dependent upon it, my posts will come back to this topic often.

I used to think balance meant that things had to be equal to be balanced, just like on a balance scale. Now, I tend to see balance being like an infinity symbol.  

(In my previous post, I talked about Receiving and Giving, so I will use that as an example).

As I mentioned in my post about receiving and giving, what I receive will affect what I give; What I give creates space to receive more, and the cycle repeats over and over again. There are days I give a lot of time and energy to others, and there are days when my body, mind and spirit beg me to do some receiving and self-care. I could spend three days in the receiving space, and one day in giving. In the end, it doesn’t matter if I make things exactly equal in time or quantity. What matters is that there is a flow. It looks different every day, and there are layers within layers, balance playing out in different areas of my life at the same time.  

Balance is a flow. This is key. It is ever changing and moving within a given space.

And do you know what also exists in balance? Abundance!

(There will be another post on Abundance at some point, so stay tuned).

I don’t know about you, but not only do I desire wholeness in life, but I also desire an abundant life! And it can all be found within balance.  

Look at the picture of the connected pools of water at the beginning of this post. A pool near the top receives its fill of water and keeps receiving more water. As it is receiving, it gives to the next pool while staying full itself (this is abundance). In that giving, the next pool receives its fill and then gives to the next pool after that, and so on and so forth. No pool lacks. All pools have enough AND to spare.

Imagine with me for a moment, a community or group of people that all exist in this balance of receiving and giving. There would be no lack! There would be no poor! All would be filled in their receiving, and have a surplus to keep giving to each other!

This type of living tends to be easier to talk about than to live, isn’t it? There is always need out there and some of us feel like we don’t have the time or energy to receive in-between meeting needs, and then we are told we must always put others first in order to be a good person. There are too many demands that keep us giving more and more each day, building upon the expectations that service to others and productivity is the measure of our success. But are these things actually true??

I know that for me, I am out of balance when I have been giving from my metaphorical pool of water without realizing that I have cut off the receiving flow. I get caught up in all the things on my check-list, I feel burnt out, overwhelmed, resentful, and really stressed. I want to run away from all people and responsibilities. I feel a lack because I am not full. It isn’t until I finally get to the point of allowing myself to receive what I need that my pool gets filled again and I start overflowing with water to give.

I am learning to more quickly catch those moments where I am draining buckets of water from my pool and the flow from receiving has stopped. I am learning what it looks like and feels like, so that I can set the bucket down, correct my receiving flow and get back to balance. I often ask myself:

• What am I able to give today because I first received?
• If I am feeling run down and struggling to show up for others, what am I receiving for myself today? 
• Am I wanting to give more? Then how can I increase my receiving capacities?
• What am I afraid of that is getting in the way of my flow? 
• Am I willing to spend time in receiving?

Not only have I learned more of what balance and imbalance feels like for me, I have also had the opportunity to identify why receiving can be hard, why I feel the need to give more than is balanced for me, and why receiving can be considered “selfish” by others (I will be redefining what “selfish” is at some point). All this inquiry has been very eye-opening for me and caused me to shift my perspective. It has been good for my soul!

Balance really is the name of the game, so to speak, and there will be more thoughts to be shared later. Guaranteed 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

Giving Is Not Better Than Receiving

The common phrase of "it is better to give than to receive" just doesn’t sit well with me anymore, and here is why:

For a while now, the concept of RECEIVING has popped up in my life all over the place, causing me to stop and reevaluate my perspectives. Countless times I have reflected on this word, what it means, and why it is different from "taking" and its relationship with "giving". During my ponderings, Mother Nature has taught me a few things.

One day during the summer, a small thunderstorm rolled in and provided a light drizzle of rain. My family and I sat out on the porch, watching the rain fall. After a while, my husband told me that before it started raining, he felt the grass, trees, and flowers sitting in excited anticipation for the coming rain. Then, the plant life all rejoiced in what they received as the storm came to an end.

There was that word "receive" again. As I thought about what my husband described to me, I felt the rightness of his words. 

Plants don’t take the rain that falls; that is an energy of lack and imbalance, a fear that there is a scarcity and keeping to oneself. Plants instead receive and rejoice. If you spend enough time in nature, you can feel this. Receiving is an energy that harmonizes with nature, because it connects life to abundance and balance.  

A tree, for example, receives sunlight and air, as well as water and nutrients from the soil. With the light, air, water, and nutrients, the tree lives, grows, and bears fruit. All the while it is receiving, it is giving back to the world. There is no lack here. There is only abundance and balance.

Another example from Mother Nature comes from the bird feeder hanging in my backyard. I watch the birds come to the bird feeder throughout the year. They happily receive what I have put there just for them. All they have to do to receive is to show up at the bird feeder and eat. They chirp and bounce from branch to branch around the feeder, and in their moment of receiving, they give birdsong and joy to me, completing a cycle of balance.

So is it better to give than to receive? No. I don't believe this to be true. What can anyone give unless they first receive? How can giving be better when receiving is just as important? What a person receives truly affects what they are able to give, and all living things can thrive joyfully when existing in this balance of receiving and giving. It is within this balance that there is flow, connection, and symbiotic relationships and it makes the world a better place.

I receive before I give, and in my giving, I open up space to receive more, grow, and give all over again. 

It's joy. It's beauty. It's the foundational cycle of life.