Power in Meekness - Story and Questions

There was a time in my past when I was really down and struggling, and some people told me that I was depressed (which I fiercely resisted owning that label). Getting up in the morning was hard, but showing up for anyone was even harder. For months, I kept going the best that I could, trying to feel like myself and feel connection. I put in so much effort to work through emotions and belief patterns and situations that kept me down. I kept hoping that my efforts would be good enough to pull me out the other side someday, but believing in myself was decreasing more and more as time went on.

One day, I found out how little confidence I actually had in myself and I sunk even lower into inadequacy.

A big cheerleader in my life, someone who was part of my support system, communicated to me that they believed my children would be better off without me, that they were concerned for my children.  

What confidence I felt like I had was effectively shattered in that moment. I had no idea when or how this person changed their perspective of me and why they felt like they couldn’t continue in their connection with me.

I felt intensely devastated and like a lost cause not worth supporting. I believed that I failed so miserably in my efforts that God was rejecting me too.

Vulnerability became traumatic and taking risks was a nightmare. The depth of my soul-cry at that time is not possible to accurately describe, but those who have been to such a place know and understand without words.

However, it wasn’t until this person rejected me that I realized how much of my confidence came from what this person thought of me and that they sincerely believed in me. Not only that, but my value and worth was based on this person wanting to be in my life.

As I came crashing down, I was forced to sit face to face with myself. I knew I had a choice to make – one that would be life altering. I could choose to sink and become a closed, empty shell, or remain open for that miraculous chance of rising like a phoenix. Could I humbly remain open in my heart to vulnerability and connection? Could I take that risk with so much pain already? Could I continue to learn, grow and change as I needed?

Through the emotional fog, I knew deep down that my happiness depended upon me remaining open in my heart and mind. It was the path that I ended up choosing and it became the way out of the darkness I was in.

In that openness, I found that place inside that cried out that I was worth every effort. I felt it. I believed it. I learned that I had to be that person for me that I hoped others would be. I accepted the truth that having confidence in myself was just as much a part of the journey as remaining open was. I learned that regardless of how much confidence another person may have in me, it was nothing if I didn’t have full confidence in myself.

I faced the worries that none of my efforts would do any good, that I would never make the final cut (even now, I still have to consciously resist this worry). I asked myself then, “Do I believe in myself enough to try? Will I have my own back regardless of how my efforts turn out, knowing I gave my 100%? Can I cheer myself on, believing in my potentials, capacities and heart as good enough?”

I chose to believe in me and live from an open heart, regardless of the pain. It led to greater healing within - a greater wholeness that was more of a process than a single event. The warrior in me stepped back into her place as I made certain decisions that set me onto a path that was brighter and full of hope. I began moving forward again with a wisdom born of experience that no one can ever take away.

And that is power. 

Self-Evaluation Questions:

 

1.     What can I do today to show myself that I believe in myself?

2.     How can I support myself today?

3.     Are you willing to fight to stand with yourself? How can you vote for your own victory?

4.     What is something you feel inadequate in doing? How can you flip that into confidence?

5.     What can you honor and accept openly?

6.     What would you love to be excited about for yourself?

7.     What can you do to be more open and receptive without giving up your confidence?

 

When you compare and see yourself as less, or you feel inadequate in measuring up…. Reach for confidence!

1.     What is my main worry that is connected to my feelings of inadequacy?

2.     What can I choose to love about myself and my efforts that will decrease the strength of this worry?

3.     How can you remain with yourself and not reject yourself?

4.     What positive character trait has brought me to where I am right now?

5.     How do I want to celebrate who I am right now?

6.     What does my heart desire that solely has something to do with me?

7.     How can I be true to my heart? What do I need that I can give to myself?

8.     What is the next step I need to bravely take in order to be true to my heart?

9.     What can I do to support myself confidently, to show myself that I trust and believe in myself?

10.   How can I own where I stand and remain loyal to me?

When your behavior is based on comparing and seeing yourself as more correct, capable, valid, experienced, informed, having enough and no more, etc. (anything that gives you a superiority in any degree) OR you perceive someone as not capable enough …. Remember humility.

1.    What would it look like if I came from a place of humility in this situation?

2.    Do I perfectly understand where this person is coming from?

3.    Are my perspectives skewed by my personal bias and need for importance or validation of the rightness of my choices?

4.    How can I remain open to accept and receive this person as they are?

5.    What potential does this person have that proves they are adequate?

When you recognize self-righteous behaviors in others…. Remember humility so you don’t act in self-righteousness yourself by expressing what you think the other person should or shouldn’t do. You can confidently own your space and hold to your boundaries, while being open, receptive, and curious.

Recognizing an imbalanced emotion or behavior in yourself is the first step to returning to balance. The return journey is full of questions answered with reflective, patient honesty. Be aware that you can flip-flop between the extremes, not always resorting to one or the other.

 

If you are acting self-righteously, look at where you can act humbly.

If you are acting out of feelings of inadequacy, reach to have confidence in yourself. 

Click here to read about confidence and humility.

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Balance Layer #2 - Power in Meekness

 

Power In Meekness

I originally planned to discuss meekness as its own layer of Balance, but each time I tried, I kept finding my way back to Power. Even though all of the layers flow together and overlap, it felt important to emphasize that meekness is a channel for tapping into one’s power. It is also the antidote to pride. Pride may masquerade as power or even a lack thereof, but it becomes the downfall of everyone and everything wearing such a mask.

In order for someone to step out of what people call a “pride cycle,” balance in meekness is required. That balance comes from the duality of confidence and humility. 

Balance: Confidence

Let’s first take a look at the word confidence. You can look up a word in a dictionary and analyze what it means technically, but that is not what will serve you throughout this process. Words don’t just have a definition. They have emotional meaning born of experience and culture, and they carry the energy of behavioral patterns and beliefs. That being said, I encourage you to take the time to analyze what different words mean to you, and as you find a deeper awareness, be willing to redefine anything.

How do you feel about the word confidence?

How often do you hear about someone being confident and immediately wonder if they are arrogant?

When you think about being confident, do you start to list all the ways you fall short or are imperfect because you are afraid of being arrogant?

Do you tie your level of confidence to your assurance that you can’t fail?

Confidence has come to mean to believe in myself, particularly when I feel alone. It is supporting myself regardless of any imperfections or through comparisons to others. It looks like owning my authenticity and not being afraid to show it. I don’t have to “fit in” anywhere, because I only belong to myself (Brené Brown explains what this means). I belong wherever I choose to be, without any perception of superiority. Confidence in myself is to believe in my potential while cheering myself on to victory.

One of the best ways to tap into confidence is to believe in yourself enough to try, regardless of potential failure. In truth, any failure can be a springboard into success and because of this, it is important to celebrate and honor the whole journey.

It takes loyalty to your authentic self to fight for yourself in all circumstances. It takes bravery to act in your best interest when others think you are falling short or being selfish. By being true to you, you express that you are always worthy of love and belonging.

Confidence is the greatest enemy to self-betrayal and inadequacy. Not only that, the more confidence you have in yourself, the more confidence you will have in others.

Balance: Humility

While confidence is being assertive without being pushy, humility is being calm and receptive without being a doormat.

Humility isn’t dreary, hang-your-head somberness. In fact, it can be genuine excitement about your opportunities to grow and progress and to sit in open-minded curiosity as you receive yourself, others, and new understandings. Humility is found in reflective and honest evaluations that contain no condemnation. It is acknowledging where you are right now, while still moving towards change and your potential.

There is no room for importance or superiority in humility. You just are as you are without the need for status or position. You can accept and honor what is reality and be ever growing and receiving. For this reason, humility is a form of self-love. When you love yourself, you accept yourself without shame and feelings of inadequacy. When you love yourself, external validation of your value and importance isn’t needed. When you love yourself, you remain open, curious, and receptive because you are not worried about losing your position in life in some illusion of hierarchy that threatens your inner power. 

Confidence + Humility

Without humility, confidence quickly turns to self-righteousness and arrogance. Without confidence, humility becomes a false-humility known as inadequacy. When you can value yourself without puffing up in importance and resist shrinking through devaluing yourself and others, you find balance in meekness.  

I like to think of a tender sapling in a giant forest as the mascot for meekness. Such a tree sits at the feet of the older trees, looking up at them in awe and wonder. It acknowledges where it is without comparison and shame of being smaller than other trees. It knows its potential and believes it is good enough as it is, from moment to moment, as time goes on. As this young tree grows, it will begin to look down on the tender saplings below, and it simply rejoices in the life of more trees. This young tree loves and accepts itself, knowing it is no less important, neither more important, than any other. It just is and stands tall and strong in its existence, owning the space it occupies. It is excited to continue onward as another tree of the forest, with value and belonging. It stands with confidence and it grows in humility.

Imbalance: Self-Righteousness

The moment a person begins to entertain and maintain a sense of superiority at any level, this is a sign that confidence has set up house outside of balance and changed its name to arrogance.

A person who acts in a self-righteous way feels like they are right, the other person is wrong, and they have a moral duty to make it known. Not only that, they may insist on correcting the other person by providing the solution based on their better judgment, expertise, knowledge, skills, etc. They have the light! They have the way! And if anyone is not willing to come along, they are less than and not worthy of support and acceptance.

We all act self-righteously from time to time -- quite frequently in fact. As we attempt to build a sense of importance and avoid feeling inadequate, self-righteous behavior sneaks right past our awareness. When comparing ourselves to others, we tend to see where we are correct and good. In the process, we devalue others and point the finger of scorn at them.

While confidence sounds like:

“I can learn and improve. I can do anything I set my mind to.”

“Yes, I am good at this. You can be too! I am here to support you.”

“Though you are choosing to do something different than me, I will do what I am going to do and still believe in you and your journey.”

Self-righteousness says:

“I already know what there is to know and I’m doing what is best.”

“I can do it better than so and so. I should have that job.”

“You are not choosing what I would choose to do, nor what I think you should do based on what I know. If only you would listen to me.”

We don’t typically say these phrases word for word, but the general idea is there.

Here’s a tip to be aware of self-righteous behaviors. Pay attention to when you or someone else labels (stereotypes). Labeling is declaring what people are (character traits), resulting in categorized levels of who is “better” and who is “worse.” For example, if you think of someone as being lazy compared to your standards of productivity, it will affect your perception of this person and ultimately influence how you treat them. Claiming you know enough about a person to label who and what they are, based on what you see, is self-righteousness through and through. It is like taking one piece of a puzzle and saying it is the image of the whole.

Another red flag to watch for is the use of the words should and shouldn’t, particularly when you or someone else is gossiping. It’s a fact of life that we talk about other people. So, when does talking about others turn into gossiping?

Gossiping is slandering someone’s character or defaming another for the purpose of gaining or maintaining one’s own sense of superiority or importance. Seeking to have your feelings, thoughts, opinions, or even sufferings validated as more right or greater than another’s by sharing stories that are not yours to share is gossiping.

It’s easy to gossip, before you even realize what you are doing. You can simply be shooting the breeze and chatting with a friend. Sometimes, it can happen when you are being interrogated by someone else who is seeking juicy details for whatever reason. When talking about others, you can ask yourself: Am I pushing someone down by expressing how I think they are not measuring up? Am I pulling someone down to lift myself out of feelings of inadequacy? What is my intention in sharing something about someone else?

There are times when it is healthy to call a person out on their behaviors, to express how you feel, and to work through your struggles that involve others. It’s one thing to call the kettle black. It’s another thing entirely to paint the kettle black for your own aggrandizement or validation.

Whether you are finding fault with others in your mind or talking about them out loud, it is still gossiping (and I will add, judging). The moment you scrutinize about what someone should or shouldn’t do, you are placing yourself above the other person, claiming you know more about their intentions, thoughts, feelings, or their state of being. You believe that your choices and perspectives are right, and therefore superior.

Imbalance: Inadequacy

Self-righteous actions lack humility and tend to increase the presence of the opposite imbalanced extreme, which is inadequacy. A person acting arrogantly only maintains their illusion of importance by keeping others in inadequacy through systems and methods that present a push down.

That heavy, self-righteous measuring stick is especially hard on those who already believe they are inadequate, because they lack confidence in themselves. This lack leads to seeking external confidence through others’ validation and approval. Unfortunately, their search will only tie them back to the very people who hold the measuring sticks.

Inadequacy is all about shame (feeling unworthy, useless, and just not good enough). One of the quickest ways to get to inadequacy is by comparing yourself to others. Comparison only feeds the shame and magnifies the fear of not being good enough, resulting in a desperate race to perfectionism. When you compare yourself to others, or even to yourself in a negative way, it robs you of your power and opens the door for inadequacy to rule with fear and anxiety.

A common form that inadequacy takes on is false-humility. False-humility is self-condemnation that keeps you feeling less than and lacking. Regardless of it being a tactic to motivate yourself or to avoid being arrogant, it isn’t healthy. Claiming that you are less than or brushing away compliments is not a noble act. Ironically, it is a prideful action, because you are thinking of someone as less than and falling short -- and that person is you.

When you put yourself down in front of others, secretly hoping they build you back up, you are seeking to have them fill your confidence bucket. This is only a fleeting, addictive confidence, because you still sit in feelings of inadequacy at the end of the day. True confidence comes from believing that you are adequate and capable as you are. Even if you are not physically able, you are capable of asking for help or for what you need. You are adequate in showing up for yourself and meeting your needs with 100% effort. You are enough in anything, and it’s worth celebrating all that you do.

It’s a challenge to be a part of a society that exists on a system of resumes and measurements to prove adequacy. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t find balance within yourself, by seeing the potential in you and everyone else.

No one is ever truly inadequate! People may say you are, and you may believe them. But, no one is inadequate, because everyone has untapped potential that always makes them acceptable, worthy, and capable. An undeveloped skill or character trait is not inadequacy, only potential. You don't have a lot to work on, you simply have a lot to work with. 

You have the power to choose to believe in yourself and those around you. Don’t give up. Keep going! Remember, you are not better for putting others down. Nor, do you have to be a stepping stool for others. You get to be confidently you, and you are powerful.

(Click here to read a story about finding balance in meekness and for self-evaluation questions).

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