The Way of Freedom - Stories and Questions

Balance Layer #3 - The Way of Freedom

 

Balance Layer #3 – The Way of Freedom

As I’ve stated before, balanced power leads to freedom rather than the other way around (read about power here). In order for a single person, a country, or any group in between to truly be free, they must first reside in and act from balanced power. Actions that stem from meekness and pure intention, rather than pride and demanded compliance, are a foundation upon which freedom can be built. Power is the ability to choose and to act as a sovereign being, while freedom is the chance and opportunity to exercise inalienable rights within the scope of balanced regulations and without oppression.

The early American Colonies are a perfect example of this. If a handful of brave souls hadn’t first stood in their power, channeling their anger, and expressing themselves even in the “Declaration of Independence,” how could the Constitution have come about to protect freedom?

Freedom thrives within the duality of autonomy and boundaries, while the imbalanced extremes are where freedom is lost and limitation cankers. Without autonomy and only boundaries, tyranny runs rampant with oppression, division, and slavery. Autonomy with no boundaries is anarchy. While anarchy may reign for a time, eventually “survival of the fittest” will rear its ugly head amidst the chaos, more often than not causing the pendulum to swing the opposite way into tyranny.

Each person has the right to live, choose, and pursue the desires of their heart and exercise all inalienable rights without crossing boundaries or taking away the freedom of others.

As you read onward, be aware that these dynamics apply to every individual, family unit, group or relationship, community, and country. The foundation is the same.

Balance: Boundaries

For the purpose of encompassing all the situations that balanced freedom can be a part of, boundaries will refer to: that which is set in place to govern, protect, direct, define, and regulate. Boundaries can also be synonymous with laws, rules, commandments, decrees, and agreements.

Boundaries that are balanced are not put in place for the purpose of controlling or manipulating on any level. They are only meant to keep stable order so that autonomy is supported and protected. Anything more or less than the securing of rights is not for the good of anyone, regardless of intentions.

I used to see freedom as devoid of any law or limitation, but I’ve learned that freedom can’t exist without set bounds. Even Mother Nature lives by the laws that dictate and regulate throughout the universe, natural laws that keep things flowing and in order.

As time goes on, boundaries are necessarily upgraded or done away with. Examples of this can be first, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and second, the norm that rules/boundaries change as children grow within a family unit. Whether a boundary line is redrawn or a new one is created, a boundary must be agreed to by the individuals that are affected by the resulting laws and rules. They must have a part in the creation process, whether by consent, vote, clear understanding, or agreement. Otherwise, individuals cannot be self-governing within any organized system, and consequences or punishments will then be unjust.

If someone chooses, in their autonomy, to take away the freedom of another through their actions, there are consequences when those boundaries are crossed, just like any trespasser on property that is not their own. Through justice, the person who chose to cross the line, who abused their power, will have a loss of freedom personally. It will take a return to balanced power and justice being met before freedom can be restored.

I could discuss freedom solely from a political or civil point of view, but I instead want to take a look at freedom on a personal basis and where relationships are concerned. The reason is, when a person can learn to be free within themselves and foster freedom within their relationships, that freedom will magnify and spread naturally, making a change for good in this world.

In any relationship (including with yourself), boundaries are going to make freedom or break freedom. Clear boundaries must define where you end and others begin, otherwise there will be imbalance. If you limit another person’s right to autonomy, you are trespassing (and vice versa). If there are no clear boundaries both ways, there will be chaos until one ends up dominating the other. Conflict in relationships can be seen as a war over personal boundary lines and space, and believe it or not, but the war actually begins on the inside of each individual.

Even though there are many boundaries put in place externally, the greater rules and decrees are what we set upon ourselves inwardly. These boundaries play their biggest role within the subconscious mind and create our level of limitation. Simply put, these boundaries are our core beliefs and they create our reality.

For instance, I may have a core belief that I am wanted and useful within my own home, but out there in the world I am not wanted or valued. My thoughts will back up that belief, create emotions, and lead to my actions. Through my actions I will experience results that will inevitably back up or prove my belief to be true. In this way, I have diminished my own freedom - my chance to live as a valuable person outside of my home.

This pattern is the same for everyone. Your beliefs lead to your thoughts, which fuel your emotions and your actions, ending with a result to reflect your belief. It is a cycle that builds in strength each go around, a hurricane with a limiting belief at the center. What you put out into the world through core beliefs will return to you magnified. It is a natural law that governs the balance of the universe and the support of your autonomy.

If you have a scarcity mindset or a belief that you are lacking in some way, you are decreeing what is and this may create a conflict with what you desire. This inner struggle is all about your previously set limits, and herein lies a great battle for your freedom of achieving what you desire. Conflicting emotions are also a signal that your desires and your belief system are not in harmony.

Every battle that is fought within yourself, every war that is finished, will either bring you into greater freedom or into bondage as a prisoner of war. The choice is up to you. Sometimes, the war is fought by discovering what past experiences and memories give your core beliefs strength. It takes time reframing the past, letting go and healing, but doing away with old beliefs to bring in the new is worth it. Anyone who has done this knows how liberating this process can be.

You experience situations and circumstances in life for a reason, and the discomfort is meant to bring awareness to the opportunity you have to win war within and become more free. The truth really will set you free, but you first have to know what it is that is keeping you in limitation and scarcity first.

What are the boundaries you have made for yourself? Do those boundaries cross someone else’s boundaries and create conflict in relationships? What do you believe about yourself that decrees you are limited or lacking? How do these decrees affect your relationships? Which of your boundaries provide you with greater opportunities to exercise your rights and live in your autonomy?

Balance: Autonomy

Autonomy is self-government, or in other words, the authority one has to oversee the exercising of their inalienable rights. Being autonomous means that you have the right to make unrestrained, independent and informed decisions - without compulsion or manipulation from external forces. Not only that, but autonomy is also taking responsibility for yourself and upholding boundaries that secure autonomy for one and for all. 

Here are some examples to illustrate autonomy a bit more:

·        A “free state” within a country is autonomous and has clear, drawn boundary lines that do not cross into another state. This state is part of the union that makes up a country, but the state is still sovereign. The country does not “own” the state, but the whole supports the one, while the one upholds the whole.  

·        A child within a family unit is their own person, with their own rights and boundaries that make up the space of their being. Though the child is part of a family, they are still autonomous in their inalienable rights. The parents do not own the child, but help keep rules in place that protect autonomy while also guiding the child to be self-governing. A child can be taught things that are correct and balanced, but then it is up to the child to govern themselves (with gentle direction and reminders along the way). The end goal is for a child to become a healthy, responsibly, independent individual.

·        A person in a balanced relationship is their own person, with a personal space that they have a say over. They are part of a relationship, but still sovereign. The partner does not own any part of them, but the relationship thrives when each partner honors personal space and rights while working together as a team.

·        And you, dear reader, are an individual and sovereign being. You are one and part of the whole of humanity. When you honor your autonomy and are in balanced freedom, you can know where you begin and end, and where others begin and end. You always have inalienable rights, aspects of yourself that you will forever have ownership of. You have every right to show up in your authenticity and live your life as you desire.

With that being said, it's important to understand “rights” when talking about autonomy in general. “Rights” is a term I have heard about all my life, but it wasn’t until recently that I took the time to ponder on what that means from the perspective of balanced freedom. I learned that, by definition, inalienable rights are what you justly own and have authority over by simply being born. This led to asking myself, what is it that I have claim to, that cannot be justly taken from me and taken into the control of another?

The answer that resonated with my being is: I forever own my body, character, voice, desires, thoughts, opinions, creative works, beliefs, experiences, and space. I also have a right to live my life and have joy in the securing of my basic needs for that life and to reach for my dreams. I deserve and claim the privilege to make my own choices (aka agency = power in action) and decide what I allow into my space, whether it be a person, concept, or thing.

I’ve gained the perspective that people can be compared to territories or countries or any other space of land marked as something separate than the rest. For instance, when a country is invaded by another through the trespassing across boundary lines, conflict or war is often the result. The invaded country owns the right, because of their autonomy, to protect their boundaries and maintain the space they occupy.

Each person also own’s their space of being, and if you stop and think about it, trespassing and war happens all the time when people interact with each other.

Something as simple as someone silencing you and keeping you from sharing an opinion peaceably is trespassing. It is an intrusion, and it is an act against autonomy and therefore, freedom. Although you do not have the right to force your opinion on others, you can own and accept your opinion and to fight for the opportunity to express yourself. Meanwhile, it is up to the choice of others to accept or reject your opinion without oppression. 

Ironically, we silence ourselves more than any other person. We even give up our autonomy by relying upon the thoughts, beliefs, and opinions of others, adopting them as our own for security, love, belonging, or comfort. It seems to be the way of humanity to look to others who appear to be more credible, more knowledgeable, more superior to dictate what we believe, what is best for us, or (heaven forbid) even the best way to load a dishwasher.

But the reality is, the moment you give up thinking for yourself, studying things out for yourself, gaining your own experience, or making your own decisions, you give up your autonomy and it will affect your level of freedom. It’s okay to seek the wisdom and guidance of others, but in the end, you need to be self-governing in order to be balanced.

Your freedom is dependent upon your claim as an individual. Not only do you have the power, but you have the right to rebel against those who attempt to diminish your agency, or the exercising of your rights. You must own your rights, exercise them, and fight for them, even in your relationship with yourself. You need to set clear boundaries and goals for yourself, master self-control, boldly support yourself, and control yourself in a way that is in alignment with balanced boundaries.

Boundaries + Autonomy

As you stand in your autonomy, upholding boundaries that enhance the quality of your life, bring you joy, and support good intentions, the greater your opportunity will be to exercise your inalienable rights. This is freedom – boundaries and autonomy that support and protect one another. The freest individual knows and understand the bounds (rules, laws, etc.) that protect their rights, and they are able to self-govern to remain within that balanced space.

What you want to watch out for are the long lists of rules, guidelines, laws, boundaries, and contradictory requirements. These things are a sign of less freedom, not only because they are often used as a form of control but because these long lists may be needed for those who refuse to govern themselves. In the end, having less laws to keep order will only come about from a people willing to be more self-governing and autonomous.

Take Jesus Christ’s teachings for example. He acknowledged the law of Moses with its long list of dos and don’ts, but also taught that the two great commandments were to love God and to love oneself in order to love others. If a person were to govern themselves by these two great commandments, without fear or compulsion, none of the other rules and guidelines would be necessary. Acting in good moral character would be a natural result of living these two commandments. When all the other scripts are put in place to dictate what people should do in all things, and the people depend upon a leader to govern them, there is a lack of freedom and it eventually breeds imbalance.

Anyone in a mentor, parent, or leadership role are balanced when they seek to uphold the autonomy of those they are guiding. Think of a triangle with the point facing downward. The way of balance places the leadership or authority at the bottom point, lifting, upholding and protecting the autonomy of the individuals. They teach correct patterns and principles and then let people govern themselves. The most influential leaders and parents are those who support and uphold in this way.

If you were to flip the triangle around with the point going upwards, it would depict the pattern of imbalance where authority figures are upheld, secure in their superiority, and their prosperity by keeping others below them. They are those that abuse power and limit freedom for their own gain. They grow in power and control the more they keep others underneath them.

It is our right and our duty to maintain our autonomy, live according to balanced boundaries, and allow others to do the same. It really is the same concept that the Musketeers live by: “All for one, and one for all.”

Imbalance: Tyranny

As stated at the beginning, if autonomy is not supported by boundaries that are just, tyranny is the imbalanced extreme. Tyranny is made through regulations that keep the control in the hands of a select few rather than every individual - the tyrant being in charge of who gets to use their rights and when.

“I don’t agree with the information you shared. It doesn’t support the agenda of a few who have greater authority. You do not get to use your voice.”

Enter censorship.

“This is the canon of our religion. These are the “scripts” we say you must follow in order to be worthy. If you don’t believe this way, you will be cut off for eternity (fear-tactic). Don’t you dare look into anything else outside of what we provide. Don’t think for yourself or believe anything different than what we tell you.”

Enter religions everywhere.

“I am hired by the government for the health of the whole nation. You must do everything I say you should do, believe what I am telling you, and do what I tell you to do with your body. If you don’t, you are in danger of losing your job and the way to support your life.”

Enter the loss of freedom during the “pandemic.”

“If you don’t do it my way, I will intentionally withhold my affection until you do. And, you can sleep on the couch as well.”

Enter the partner who “wears the pants.”

“I don’t care why you don’t want to take a bath right now. Either you get in that tub, or I will put you in there myself.”

Enter the parent who demands silent compliance rather than working with a child.

“I am not good enough and will only embarrass myself. I refuse to try.”

Enter the individual who damns themselves.

Laying down the unjust law and demanding compliance while silencing the use of rights can exist anywhere. It comes along with blackmailing, pacts, deals, and making use of those who are fearful. Oppression (causing unnecessary burdens and enforcing without compassion) is a major red-flag that tyranny is the way of a system. And therein lie tactics to divide and conquer through fear mongering and playing on emotions, while creating ways to cause dependence upon the few at the top.

If dependence or slavery is instituted to any degree, it damages a person’s motivation to be self-governing. To go from being forced or pushed to do things, to having no one there to tell you what to do creates a challenge that is hard for people to adjust to. They will either find someone else to rule over them, live in chaotic anarchy of imbalanced resistance, or they can choose to stand in their power to break free of tyranny and be autonomous.

I’ve come to realize that having expectations for people can easily become tyranny. For instance, when you expect something to go a certain way or for people to behave a certain way in order for you to be content or happy, you get into business that is not your own. Making decisions for other people, telling them what they should do, can only cause frustration and reactionary actions in your effort to control all the external elements. This way serves no one.

Simply put, tyranny seeks for control of the outside, but balanced freedom is control that happens on the inside of each individual. To destroy tyranny, find and exercise your autonomy and let others do the same.    

Imbalanced: Anarchy

Let’s now take a look at the extreme opposite of tyranny, which is anarchy. Anarchy happens when there are no boundaries and laws, and everyone is a law unto themselves without order and without direction. It is a destructive way to live. To have freedom does not mean that a person is able to live without boundaries or not being subject to law. Everything and everyone is governed by some force or law that is beyond them. Even nature would be in utter chaos and unstable if there were no laws put in place throughout the universe to organize the elements.

Can you imagine a house-full of young children, allowed to run free without any rules or boundaries? It would be a mad house! The children would not do things that would serve them or others, and after a while, the older or stronger kids would likely end up dominating or taking control in some way. They would start making deals and pacts with each other to keep the authority of a few in control of the rest. Anarchy then becomes tyranny.

A while back, I watched this dynamic play out while my kids were playing in the back yard with several other kids in the neighborhood. There were about 10 kids ranging from age 3 to age 11. They all wanted to be and do something unique, adding a different aspect to their make-believe game. The children spent a large amount of time yelling out what they each wanted to have happen in the game, some of the toddlers even crying out in a fit. It was chaotic to be sure, but rather than intervening right away, I observed the situation to see what would happen.

After a while of kids yelling back and forth, there were a couple of the older kids that stepped up and said, “This is what we are going to do.” They laid down the rules and the dynamics of the game, which I thought was good to bring some order and boundaries. But as soon as the list began exploding in size with what could and couldn’t happen, that princesses and pirates were not allowed, and all the things that only these older kids approved of. I saw that balance was bypassed and tyranny showed up.

The only kids who were allowed to play or wanted to play at all were those willing to adhere to the long list of rules. A couple kids just went home to do their own thing because they were fed up, while a couple of others started their own game where they could be princesses and pirates.

Some found freedom in expressing their imagination, some chose to not play at all and do something else, while others chose to be less free with how they could play by going by the massive, ever-changing dictates of those who placed themselves in charge.

My eldest child was one of those who put himself in charge, and after friends went home that day, we had a good discussion about how things went. We talked about how to try and work with everyone, to have a small amount of ground rules for a game that can be agreed upon, but to allow everyone to be free to play within those few rules. I told him that it wasn’t up to him to tell each person what they could and couldn’t do, to constantly make changes to the rules. More than anything, I stressed that it’s okay to let a princess be a pirate if that’s what a little girl wanted to be because it wouldn’t hurt anything.

It's amazing what can be learned about humanity just by observing children, isn’t it?

Another thing we can learn from children, or even adults who act childish, is that entitlement issues and behaviors sit in the realm of anarchy. Entitlement behaviors are saying, “I deserve it because I want it. I deserve special treatment and privileges regardless of what the boundaries or requirements are.”

Balanced freedom and opportunity do not work like this.

People who believe they are not subject to just laws and requirements are imbalanced. Though they may understandably feel like something is unfair, their true privileges only lie within the unity of autonomy and boundaries.

A five-year-old may squawk that they don’t get to stay up later like a teenager, saying it is unfair. But logically, there are boundaries put in place for different levels of growth based on capacities for responsibility. Fairness doesn’t mean equal treatment or opportunities.

A team who places last in a tournament even though they did their best may still feel jilted because the winners got something and they didn’t. This, and similar types of scenarios, we hear about often enough. The thing is, if we want what the winners receive, then the requirement is to win. That is the boundary and it is just. To demand “fair treatment” is entitlement and found within imbalance.

Yes, we all are worthy to receive what everyone else receives, but that doesn’t mean we always deserve or have earned the right to justly receive.

Freedom is fair, and fairness is just. We are all equal in being worthy, but we are not all the same in our level of freedom and opportunity. This can be due to how well we self-govern, our core beliefs, our expectations, our abilities, or the political circumstances that may exist. It can be a on a conscious or unconscious level.

What is important for you is to evaluate your own level of freedom within you and within your space. Discover where you are imbalanced and where you are balanced. Where does anarchy show up in your life? Where is tyranny? How can you increase your autonomy? What clear boundaries serve you and others?

Wherever and whenever you discover imbalance, remember, you have the right to fight for your freedom. As you fight, be aware that there is great strength in fighting for something rather than fighting against. To fight against is to risk violating other people’s rights, while fighting for is where balanced freedom is found.

As Thomas Jefferson once said, “I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery.”

And it is the same with me. It isn’t easy or comfortable to expand my freedom in any way, but it is worth it.

May you take action and fight for your freedom - regardless of what it takes.

All Rights Reserved.

Power in Meekness - Story and Questions

There was a time in my past when I was really down and struggling, and some people told me that I was depressed (which I fiercely resisted owning that label). Getting up in the morning was hard, but showing up for anyone was even harder. For months, I kept going the best that I could, trying to feel like myself and feel connection. I put in so much effort to work through emotions and belief patterns and situations that kept me down. I kept hoping that my efforts would be good enough to pull me out the other side someday, but believing in myself was decreasing more and more as time went on.

One day, I found out how little confidence I actually had in myself and I sunk even lower into inadequacy.

A big cheerleader in my life, someone who was part of my support system, communicated to me that they believed my children would be better off without me, that they were concerned for my children.  

What confidence I felt like I had was effectively shattered in that moment. I had no idea when or how this person changed their perspective of me and why they felt like they couldn’t continue in their connection with me.

I felt intensely devastated and like a lost cause not worth supporting. I believed that I failed so miserably in my efforts that God was rejecting me too.

Vulnerability became traumatic and taking risks was a nightmare. The depth of my soul-cry at that time is not possible to accurately describe, but those who have been to such a place know and understand without words.

However, it wasn’t until this person rejected me that I realized how much of my confidence came from what this person thought of me and that they sincerely believed in me. Not only that, but my value and worth was based on this person wanting to be in my life.

As I came crashing down, I was forced to sit face to face with myself. I knew I had a choice to make – one that would be life altering. I could choose to sink and become a closed, empty shell, or remain open for that miraculous chance of rising like a phoenix. Could I humbly remain open in my heart to vulnerability and connection? Could I take that risk with so much pain already? Could I continue to learn, grow and change as I needed?

Through the emotional fog, I knew deep down that my happiness depended upon me remaining open in my heart and mind. It was the path that I ended up choosing and it became the way out of the darkness I was in.

In that openness, I found that place inside that cried out that I was worth every effort. I felt it. I believed it. I learned that I had to be that person for me that I hoped others would be. I accepted the truth that having confidence in myself was just as much a part of the journey as remaining open was. I learned that regardless of how much confidence another person may have in me, it was nothing if I didn’t have full confidence in myself.

I faced the worries that none of my efforts would do any good, that I would never make the final cut (even now, I still have to consciously resist this worry). I asked myself then, “Do I believe in myself enough to try? Will I have my own back regardless of how my efforts turn out, knowing I gave my 100%? Can I cheer myself on, believing in my potentials, capacities and heart as good enough?”

I chose to believe in me and live from an open heart, regardless of the pain. It led to greater healing within - a greater wholeness that was more of a process than a single event. The warrior in me stepped back into her place as I made certain decisions that set me onto a path that was brighter and full of hope. I began moving forward again with a wisdom born of experience that no one can ever take away.

And that is power. 

Self-Evaluation Questions:

 

1.     What can I do today to show myself that I believe in myself?

2.     How can I support myself today?

3.     Are you willing to fight to stand with yourself? How can you vote for your own victory?

4.     What is something you feel inadequate in doing? How can you flip that into confidence?

5.     What can you honor and accept openly?

6.     What would you love to be excited about for yourself?

7.     What can you do to be more open and receptive without giving up your confidence?

 

When you compare and see yourself as less, or you feel inadequate in measuring up…. Reach for confidence!

1.     What is my main worry that is connected to my feelings of inadequacy?

2.     What can I choose to love about myself and my efforts that will decrease the strength of this worry?

3.     How can you remain with yourself and not reject yourself?

4.     What positive character trait has brought me to where I am right now?

5.     How do I want to celebrate who I am right now?

6.     What does my heart desire that solely has something to do with me?

7.     How can I be true to my heart? What do I need that I can give to myself?

8.     What is the next step I need to bravely take in order to be true to my heart?

9.     What can I do to support myself confidently, to show myself that I trust and believe in myself?

10.   How can I own where I stand and remain loyal to me?

When your behavior is based on comparing and seeing yourself as more correct, capable, valid, experienced, informed, having enough and no more, etc. (anything that gives you a superiority in any degree) OR you perceive someone as not capable enough …. Remember humility.

1.    What would it look like if I came from a place of humility in this situation?

2.    Do I perfectly understand where this person is coming from?

3.    Are my perspectives skewed by my personal bias and need for importance or validation of the rightness of my choices?

4.    How can I remain open to accept and receive this person as they are?

5.    What potential does this person have that proves they are adequate?

When you recognize self-righteous behaviors in others…. Remember humility so you don’t act in self-righteousness yourself by expressing what you think the other person should or shouldn’t do. You can confidently own your space and hold to your boundaries, while being open, receptive, and curious.

Recognizing an imbalanced emotion or behavior in yourself is the first step to returning to balance. The return journey is full of questions answered with reflective, patient honesty. Be aware that you can flip-flop between the extremes, not always resorting to one or the other.

 

If you are acting self-righteously, look at where you can act humbly.

If you are acting out of feelings of inadequacy, reach to have confidence in yourself. 

Click here to read about confidence and humility.

All Rights Reserved.

Balance Layer #2 - Power in Meekness

 

Power In Meekness

I originally planned to discuss meekness as its own layer of Balance, but each time I tried, I kept finding my way back to Power. Even though all of the layers flow together and overlap, it felt important to emphasize that meekness is a channel for tapping into one’s power. It is also the antidote to pride. Pride may masquerade as power or even a lack thereof, but it becomes the downfall of everyone and everything wearing such a mask.

In order for someone to step out of what people call a “pride cycle,” balance in meekness is required. That balance comes from the duality of confidence and humility. 

Balance: Confidence

Let’s first take a look at the word confidence. You can look up a word in a dictionary and analyze what it means technically, but that is not what will serve you throughout this process. Words don’t just have a definition. They have emotional meaning born of experience and culture, and they carry the energy of behavioral patterns and beliefs. That being said, I encourage you to take the time to analyze what different words mean to you, and as you find a deeper awareness, be willing to redefine anything.

How do you feel about the word confidence?

How often do you hear about someone being confident and immediately wonder if they are arrogant?

When you think about being confident, do you start to list all the ways you fall short or are imperfect because you are afraid of being arrogant?

Do you tie your level of confidence to your assurance that you can’t fail?

Confidence has come to mean to believe in myself, particularly when I feel alone. It is supporting myself regardless of any imperfections or through comparisons to others. It looks like owning my authenticity and not being afraid to show it. I don’t have to “fit in” anywhere, because I only belong to myself (Brené Brown explains what this means). I belong wherever I choose to be, without any perception of superiority. Confidence in myself is to believe in my potential while cheering myself on to victory.

One of the best ways to tap into confidence is to believe in yourself enough to try, regardless of potential failure. In truth, any failure can be a springboard into success and because of this, it is important to celebrate and honor the whole journey.

It takes loyalty to your authentic self to fight for yourself in all circumstances. It takes bravery to act in your best interest when others think you are falling short or being selfish. By being true to you, you express that you are always worthy of love and belonging.

Confidence is the greatest enemy to self-betrayal and inadequacy. Not only that, the more confidence you have in yourself, the more confidence you will have in others.

Balance: Humility

While confidence is being assertive without being pushy, humility is being calm and receptive without being a doormat.

Humility isn’t dreary, hang-your-head somberness. In fact, it can be genuine excitement about your opportunities to grow and progress and to sit in open-minded curiosity as you receive yourself, others, and new understandings. Humility is found in reflective and honest evaluations that contain no condemnation. It is acknowledging where you are right now, while still moving towards change and your potential.

There is no room for importance or superiority in humility. You just are as you are without the need for status or position. You can accept and honor what is reality and be ever growing and receiving. For this reason, humility is a form of self-love. When you love yourself, you accept yourself without shame and feelings of inadequacy. When you love yourself, external validation of your value and importance isn’t needed. When you love yourself, you remain open, curious, and receptive because you are not worried about losing your position in life in some illusion of hierarchy that threatens your inner power. 

Confidence + Humility

Without humility, confidence quickly turns to self-righteousness and arrogance. Without confidence, humility becomes a false-humility known as inadequacy. When you can value yourself without puffing up in importance and resist shrinking through devaluing yourself and others, you find balance in meekness.  

I like to think of a tender sapling in a giant forest as the mascot for meekness. Such a tree sits at the feet of the older trees, looking up at them in awe and wonder. It acknowledges where it is without comparison and shame of being smaller than other trees. It knows its potential and believes it is good enough as it is, from moment to moment, as time goes on. As this young tree grows, it will begin to look down on the tender saplings below, and it simply rejoices in the life of more trees. This young tree loves and accepts itself, knowing it is no less important, neither more important, than any other. It just is and stands tall and strong in its existence, owning the space it occupies. It is excited to continue onward as another tree of the forest, with value and belonging. It stands with confidence and it grows in humility.

Imbalance: Self-Righteousness

The moment a person begins to entertain and maintain a sense of superiority at any level, this is a sign that confidence has set up house outside of balance and changed its name to arrogance.

A person who acts in a self-righteous way feels like they are right, the other person is wrong, and they have a moral duty to make it known. Not only that, they may insist on correcting the other person by providing the solution based on their better judgment, expertise, knowledge, skills, etc. They have the light! They have the way! And if anyone is not willing to come along, they are less than and not worthy of support and acceptance.

We all act self-righteously from time to time -- quite frequently in fact. As we attempt to build a sense of importance and avoid feeling inadequate, self-righteous behavior sneaks right past our awareness. When comparing ourselves to others, we tend to see where we are correct and good. In the process, we devalue others and point the finger of scorn at them.

While confidence sounds like:

“I can learn and improve. I can do anything I set my mind to.”

“Yes, I am good at this. You can be too! I am here to support you.”

“Though you are choosing to do something different than me, I will do what I am going to do and still believe in you and your journey.”

Self-righteousness says:

“I already know what there is to know and I’m doing what is best.”

“I can do it better than so and so. I should have that job.”

“You are not choosing what I would choose to do, nor what I think you should do based on what I know. If only you would listen to me.”

We don’t typically say these phrases word for word, but the general idea is there.

Here’s a tip to be aware of self-righteous behaviors. Pay attention to when you or someone else labels (stereotypes). Labeling is declaring what people are (character traits), resulting in categorized levels of who is “better” and who is “worse.” For example, if you think of someone as being lazy compared to your standards of productivity, it will affect your perception of this person and ultimately influence how you treat them. Claiming you know enough about a person to label who and what they are, based on what you see, is self-righteousness through and through. It is like taking one piece of a puzzle and saying it is the image of the whole.

Another red flag to watch for is the use of the words should and shouldn’t, particularly when you or someone else is gossiping. It’s a fact of life that we talk about other people. So, when does talking about others turn into gossiping?

Gossiping is slandering someone’s character or defaming another for the purpose of gaining or maintaining one’s own sense of superiority or importance. Seeking to have your feelings, thoughts, opinions, or even sufferings validated as more right or greater than another’s by sharing stories that are not yours to share is gossiping.

It’s easy to gossip, before you even realize what you are doing. You can simply be shooting the breeze and chatting with a friend. Sometimes, it can happen when you are being interrogated by someone else who is seeking juicy details for whatever reason. When talking about others, you can ask yourself: Am I pushing someone down by expressing how I think they are not measuring up? Am I pulling someone down to lift myself out of feelings of inadequacy? What is my intention in sharing something about someone else?

There are times when it is healthy to call a person out on their behaviors, to express how you feel, and to work through your struggles that involve others. It’s one thing to call the kettle black. It’s another thing entirely to paint the kettle black for your own aggrandizement or validation.

Whether you are finding fault with others in your mind or talking about them out loud, it is still gossiping (and I will add, judging). The moment you scrutinize about what someone should or shouldn’t do, you are placing yourself above the other person, claiming you know more about their intentions, thoughts, feelings, or their state of being. You believe that your choices and perspectives are right, and therefore superior.

Imbalance: Inadequacy

Self-righteous actions lack humility and tend to increase the presence of the opposite imbalanced extreme, which is inadequacy. A person acting arrogantly only maintains their illusion of importance by keeping others in inadequacy through systems and methods that present a push down.

That heavy, self-righteous measuring stick is especially hard on those who already believe they are inadequate, because they lack confidence in themselves. This lack leads to seeking external confidence through others’ validation and approval. Unfortunately, their search will only tie them back to the very people who hold the measuring sticks.

Inadequacy is all about shame (feeling unworthy, useless, and just not good enough). One of the quickest ways to get to inadequacy is by comparing yourself to others. Comparison only feeds the shame and magnifies the fear of not being good enough, resulting in a desperate race to perfectionism. When you compare yourself to others, or even to yourself in a negative way, it robs you of your power and opens the door for inadequacy to rule with fear and anxiety.

A common form that inadequacy takes on is false-humility. False-humility is self-condemnation that keeps you feeling less than and lacking. Regardless of it being a tactic to motivate yourself or to avoid being arrogant, it isn’t healthy. Claiming that you are less than or brushing away compliments is not a noble act. Ironically, it is a prideful action, because you are thinking of someone as less than and falling short -- and that person is you.

When you put yourself down in front of others, secretly hoping they build you back up, you are seeking to have them fill your confidence bucket. This is only a fleeting, addictive confidence, because you still sit in feelings of inadequacy at the end of the day. True confidence comes from believing that you are adequate and capable as you are. Even if you are not physically able, you are capable of asking for help or for what you need. You are adequate in showing up for yourself and meeting your needs with 100% effort. You are enough in anything, and it’s worth celebrating all that you do.

It’s a challenge to be a part of a society that exists on a system of resumes and measurements to prove adequacy. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t find balance within yourself, by seeing the potential in you and everyone else.

No one is ever truly inadequate! People may say you are, and you may believe them. But, no one is inadequate, because everyone has untapped potential that always makes them acceptable, worthy, and capable. An undeveloped skill or character trait is not inadequacy, only potential. You don't have a lot to work on, you simply have a lot to work with. 

You have the power to choose to believe in yourself and those around you. Don’t give up. Keep going! Remember, you are not better for putting others down. Nor, do you have to be a stepping stool for others. You get to be confidently you, and you are powerful.

(Click here to read a story about finding balance in meekness and for self-evaluation questions).

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Power in Choice - Stories and Questions

 

Story #1

If you have ever been around a toddler, you know that the power struggles are frequent and very real! Even young kids know that they always have choice, and they fight for that right with all that they are! (Unless their will has been broken through constant abuse, but that’s a topic for another time).

As a parent, I fight for power just as frequently it seems, and it is in this role where I struggle with imbalanced power the most. It shows up in the little day to day things, simple situations like the following story.

My eldest daughter had a soccer game one night and we were running late. We were all rushing for shoes and last-minute bathroom visits, while I was yelling for everyone to get in the car. I wanted my youngest (3 years old at the time) to put on his more practical shoes that I knew he could walk fast in. He told me, “No! I want to wear my boots!” I repeated myself by telling him to put on his sandals, and then added in the threat that he isn’t allowed to get in the car until he does.

I knew that he was excited to go to the soccer game, and I was going to keep it from him until he listened to me. But as soon as that threat came out of my mouth, I realized how illogical my threat was because I wanted everyone in the car as soon as possible. It was this moment of awareness that I evaluated my intentions.

I wanted him to wear shoes that he could walk quickly in so we could move along where we needed to go. It would be more convenient if he would just wear the shoes I knew would be best. He wanted to wear his big, sweaty boots that he could barely walk in. He didn’t understand all my reasons and I didn’t want him complaining to me later. But ultimately, my intentions were that I wanted him to wear a certain pair of shoes for my convenience and to not let him get away with telling me “no.”

Realistically, there was nothing wrong with him choosing to wear his favorite boots and learning for himself if sweaty feet is what he actually likes or not. There was no immediate danger to his life, or healthy boundaries being disrespected. Everything would be just fine if I walked more slowly with him while everyone else hurried to the game. To force him to wear sandals at this point would only be demanding that he comply to my will.

The sudden self-awareness of where I was coming from caused me to quickly shift gears and back down. 

Could I support him, even though I disagreed with his choice and may have to deal with some inconveniences? Yes. Can I empower him to gain more experience with different shoes so that he can be more independent in his choices going forward? Absolutely.

In the end, I chose to empower my child rather than seek to control him.

He did learn that boots are hard to run in and make his feet sweaty (which he expressed with great displeasure). When the next soccer game happened, I gently reminded him that his boots are hard to run in and asked him to wear his sandals. Without a fight, and with our wills aligned, he put on his sandals and got in the car.

 

 

Story #2

Our local High School Varsity Football team was playing their last home game of the season. Shortly after the game started, I heard the loud speakers and the cheering crowd from inside my house. On impulse, I decided to take all four of my kids to the game for the sake of adventure. We quickly got dressed and made our way to the High School.

By the time we made it to the stands, my two youngest children (ages 4 and 5) had already tested my patience a handful of times. We found a place to sit and we enjoyed the second quarter of the game, but by the end of the 3^rd quarter I was done.

My two youngest thought it funny to see how far they could get away from me before I noticed. It was dark outside and there were lots of people in an unfamiliar place. I was no longer willing to stay and let my kids push the boundaries for their safety. So we packed up and headed out.

As we were nearing the parking lot, my 4-year-old son, dressed in dark clothing, took off running into the poor-lit parking right towards an oncoming vehicle. I caught hold of him and told him that he would need to hold my hand or I would carry him. This highly stubborn child refused those two options and immediately tried to run off again.

I took hold of him and slung him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and set off towards the car, with the other kids trailing close behind me. My son fought me tooth and nail while screaming at me as loud as he could. He was ticked! And I was just as angry and frustrated. It was not easy holding on to a writhing anaconda-child so that he didn’t go crashing to the pavement! 

We eventually made it home and I got the kids to bed. My son was still so upset that I had forced him to be carried. As I tucked him into bed, he asked if I still loved him and why I tried to “choke” him by holding him so tightly. I explained that I had held on to him to keep him safe because I love him. I reassured him until he smiled and gave me a hug. But I still felt awful because I felt like that situation was a big, fat parenting fail.  

So, with the kids in bed, I took the time to evaluate how it had all gone. I had been learning about balanced power and the dynamics of anger, so this seemed a perfect moment to increase my understanding of the concept.

Was he wrong to feel angry? No. He was understandably upset at being restrained from what he wanted to do. However, he was completely ignoring a boundary meant to keep him from immediate danger. That wasn’t okay.

Was I wrong to feel angry? No. I was holding boundary lines to protect someone who doesn’t yet have the mental capacity and understanding of the situation to protect himself. Though I used force, I came to realize that it wasn’t an abuse of power because of the immediate danger and the responsibility I had as a parent in that moment. I did my best to make sure he learned something from the experience, but most importantly I assured him of my love.

I learned that it is balanced to protect those who cannot protect themselves or even those who ask for assistance. This isn’t a forcing of will upon another, but good heart-intention.

On the other hand, if another person has the ability to protect themselves and does not want assistance, it isn’t my responsibility to do it for them. To intervene here would be imbalance, regardless of how much I care about them. My job is to give support and guidance that the person is willing to receive, and to let them learn and gain experience of their own in a shame-free environment. 

SELF-EVALUATION QUESTIONS:

 

When faced with making a choice, check in and ask:

1.      1. What do I desire to yield to?

2.      2. What do I desire to resist?

3.      3. What is my heart’s “yes” and “no?”

4.      4. Which is louder, my heart’s “yes” or my heart’s “no?” Why?

5.      5. Why is this my heart’s “yes”/”no”? (ask this until you get to the root reason that resonates with your heart, not your mind).

6.     6. Are my intentions balanced? Why or why not?

7.      7. If there is fear in my heart, what do I need to do to flip that fear into self-empowerment?

8.      8. Is there anyone in my space that I am neglecting, silencing, diminishing, or using on any level? What are my intentions behind how I treat this person?

9.      9. Am I choosing to be the vessel of someone else’s will because I feel obligation and/or guilt? What am I worried about that is repressing my power?

When you know the what and the why of your will, ask:

1.     1.  What am I accountable for?

2.    2.  What actions are my responsibility in order for me to move forward?

3.    3. What can I do to carry out my own will without pushing responsibility on anyone else?

4.    4. Do I have any expectations for others in regards to my will? If so, how do I let those expectations go?

5.    5. How do I move forward without fear or trying to control people and circumstances?

6.    6. Am I using my emotions, mind, or body in a way that pushes others to do what I want them to? If so, what can I do to move back to balance?

7.    7. If I empower myself, what am I capable of doing?

When you feel angry, check in to see where you are in your relationship with power.

1.     1.  Are you feeling angry because your boundaries are not being respected?

2.   2. Are you angry because others are not doing what you think they should be doing?

3.   3. Do you feel angry because of all the resentment built up inside from doing so much for others out of obligation?

4.   4. Are you angry because someone told you “no?”

5.   5. Do you feel angry because someone chose not to listen to you?

6.   6. Do you feel angry because you are feeling protective?

7.   7. Do you feel angry because, under the surface, you are actually feeling afraid of not being good enough?

8.   8. Do I feel resentment or bitterness? If so, how am I giving up my power? What am I saying “yes” to that my heart says “no” to?

***Anger can show up in so many different situations. Ask yourself whatever questions you need in order to understand what you are doing with your power.

When there is a controversy or argument between people, pay attention to how anger shows up.

1.  1. Is the anger coming from a pushing of wills?

2.  2. Is it coming from holding up a boundary line?

3.  3. Is the anger expressed in self-protection or a protection of rights?

4.  4. Is the anger being expressed through blaming or threats?

 

A person balanced in power sees the strengths of another and empowers that person to use those strengths for good and for further growth.

A person balanced in power sees the weakness of another and empowers and supports that person to work with the weakness until it becomes a strength.

A person imbalanced in power sees weakness of another and uses that weakness against the other person for personal gain and control.

A person imbalanced in power sees the strength of another and seeks to harness and manipulate the strength until it becomes the downfall of the other person.

A person imbalanced in power denies their own strength and will by relenting to the desires and will of others.

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Balance Layer #1 - Power in Choice

 

I have divided the topic of Balance into several different layers, all intertwining into one great whole. Each layer consists of something most people seek to experience in life, but unknowingly, attempt to obtain from an imbalanced space.  

After some inner-debate, I have chosen to first focus on Power and its role in Balance. A pure inner power is what produces a drive and courage to face what is necessary in the search for wholeness.

One of the biggest ah-hah moments that I have had on this journey is that Power can never fully be taken from us; it can be misused and abused, or it can be given up. Freedom is lost when power is misused or given up (I expound on this later).

Most people have the tendency to equate their level of power to how much control they have over their outside world. However, no one can have control of external people, places, and circumstances and also remain balanced. To stive for that type of control is to abuse power and to misuse others. Our true power lies in our ability to make choices, manage and live from what is inside of us, and then show up with authenticity and integrity.

Although we feel powerless at times, as if we have no choice or control in a situation, we always have the ability to choose and act. Even when you feel anguish, a great grief combined with powerlessness, such are the moments that can actually lead to a massive movement of power. That crumble-to-the-ground feeling presents you with a choice to give up your power and remain motionless, or to rise and carry on. How often have you chosen to face deep hurt, to pick yourself back up, to put one foot in front of the other? Yes, you may feel powerless for a moment but that doesn’t mean you actually are.  

Standing in your power is living true to what you believe and what you value. This true, balanced power exists in following your heart and carrying out your choices in a positive way that creates, heals, serves, and protects, without compulsion or fear. 

Balance: Will

The two main components of balanced power are a person’s purified will and the actions that make a person the vessel of that will.

Will is the heart’s choice, what a person desires according to their values. It is an internal movement of Power. Will is more than just choice, it comprises intentions, wishes, belief systems, and passions. Your will is made up of what you desire and why you desire it.

What you choose has a never-ending duality of consenting or resisting. If you choose to consent and say “yes” to one thing, by natural law, you are resisting and saying “no” to something else. Society generally supports the idea that people must acquiesce to cultural systems in order to be good and acceptable and that resistance is bad and makes you a threat or a “rebel.” Every choice has a “yes” and a “no” within it, regardless of what society believes. Whether it is a “yes” or a “no” that the heart says louder, that is the desire of your heart and the what of your will.

Assessing what makes up your will can go even deeper when you take a look at your intentions, the why behind your choices.

In order to evaluate your intentions, ask why you desire what you desire. Keep asking until you get to the root intention. This process can be very enlightening about your subconscious belief system. You may come to realize what it is you value most based on the emotions and thoughts connected to your belief system.

Through sincere efforts and courageous honesty to understand your will, you discover that refinement is needed from time to time. This process is absolutely worth it.  A choice based on pure intention, with no fear or shame within it, is what balanced Power is all about. 

Balance: Vessel

You don’t get far without the external movement of acting as the vessel of your will. Acting as a vessel means to move your own feet as an agent unto yourself. Instead of leaving things to fate or to your expectations that others will carry out your will for you, you are standing in your power.

By taking on this responsibility and ownership, you become the steward of your life and your space. Stewardship entails bravery, perseverance, and patience. Your actions do not have to be disrespectful, desperate, or pushy. You can remain curious and observant, waiting for the right moments to act.

You are a vessel that is unique to you. Own it! You can be the torch for the fire of your own will and you can carry it out to create, heal, protect, and spread light.

Overall, keeping your actions in line with the other layers of balance will have a powerful ripple effect in your life and beyond. There isn’t much more to say about being a vessel. It is just this.

Aligning Wills

Even though it is your responsibility to purify your will and then see it through, that doesn’t mean you have to do it without support or teamwork.

Imagine a group of people who come together, each empowered personally and capable of supporting the whole, while having their wills aligned to a common purpose. Such a group would be unstoppable and could accomplish great things!  

An alignment of wills and a team work of vessels can happen between a person and a Divine Source, two people in a relationship, or even a community. Such alignment is created through agreements, (without pressure, fear-tactics, guilt trips, shaming, bribing, or begging). The purity of individual hearts that come together to act as one is what will change to world for good.  

Imbalance: Dominance

An alignment of wills cannot happen when a person declares their expectations and then proceeds to convince others to follow along and be the vessel. This is an act of dominating, not aligning. It is okay for a person to promote their point of view or opinion, while also preserving the sovereignty of others.

Forcing your own will on others to gain compliance through any level of fear-tactic or manipulation is an abuse of power. It is not okay to threaten to take away something they value in order for your will to be carried out.

When you feel strongly that a task has to be done a certain way, at a certain time, or whatever other specific opinion you have, it is for you and no one else. It is imbalanced to use your power to overpower the will of another, denying them your approval, acceptance, love, and support unless they comply with your will.

There is an exception I would add about forcing another to do something you want them to do. In a moment of danger, if you choose to protect those in your care who are unable to make decisions or protect themselves, it may require force. Outside of a moment of danger, it is important to look deep inside at your intentions when you want to be forceful in the name of protection.

I know that it sounds extreme when I define imbalanced power as dominating another, so you may be inclined to brush it off as something you don’t do. We all abuse power at some point, whether we realize it or not. It is through awareness that you have opportunities to use your power with better intentions to break old habits and cycles.

Please stick with me, and allow an honest evaluation of yourself. To abuse power is to say:

“I get to decide what you need.”

“I’m in charge. I make the rules and I will enforce them. No defiance allowed.”

“I am the one that knows what’s best for him. He is not capable of making his own choice.”

“Your opinions and objections are not welcome. Go along with the solution provided or else.”

“I’ve done the research and know the truth. You should trust me and do what I say.”

“If you don’t do what I think you should do, you will be making the wrong choice. People will think you are a bad person because of it.”

“If you love me, you will do this.”

“If you don’t do what I say you will be punished.”

“I can’t believe you don’t want what I want. How could you hurt someone who has done nothing but care for you?”

“If you will be obedient to every thing I tell you, then you will be good enough and safe.”

“If you are not obedient, you could lose everything you care about and you will be unhappy. I only tell you this because I care and want you to make the best choice.”

“You don’t need to think for yourself, just do what I say. I’ve got you.”

It’s likely that everyone has either said, thought, or heard similar phrases before. Or, you may search “manipulation phrases” and find those with which you are more familiar.  

Abusers of power use such words to have influence over others to further their own agendas, lusts (obsessions), and desires. Behind the scenes, they like to create a scenario that causes fear. Then they come forward with a show of emotion and care while providing a solution. This tactic plays upon the free will of another and is less obvious than tyrannical laws and demands. Intentions may seem decent and for the “better good” of all global citizens, but as soon as carrying out those intentions involves behaviors like demanding, fear-tactics, aggrandizing, gaslighting, and/or condemning, know that the line has been crossed.

It is beneficial to work out agreements with others in a team effort to have an alignment of wills. However, bribery (i.e. holding a carrot on a string to herd people along) is a misuse of power and can be cleverly disguised as a traditional call for obedience. Bribes may be filled with sweet words, convincing logic, and desirable promises. When you say all the good things that people will be entitled to, encouraging them to comply so that you may gain or maintain control, you are in imbalanced power. If you take the time to observe, you will discover that bribery contains various disempowering energies based on intentions to get compliance. 

Imbalance: Compliance

(Listen to Compliance by Muse. Pay attention to how it makes you feel).

Compliance is one of the most deceptive forms of power abuse and manipulation. At its root, this approach can never truly empower the individual into knowing their own heart and journey or into taking full ownership of themselves. Compliance is the death of individual power and of balance.

Compliance is the opposite extreme of Dominance. It comes into play when you give up your own will and become the vessel of someone else’s. You give up your life to fate and others’ plans for you. You may feel like there is nothing you can do about your life, so you become a shell of yourself, a vessel without will. You become disconnected from your heart and carry on like a robot, complying at every turn.

Those who give up their power often think, even beyond awareness, things like:

“It’s what I’m supposed to do, so I just go with it.”

“I need to ignore how I feel and what I think. It’s easier that way.”

“What I feel or think doesn’t matter. There are so many things I have to do. It’s better to suck it up and just keep going.”

"I'm supposed to sacrifice everything for the good of (i.e. my spouse, my church, my family) in order to be a good enough person. What I desire or need doesn’t matter.”

“This is just how things are. I have no power to change anything.”

“My wants and/or needs cause more problems than they are worth.”

“I want so and so to like me enough to keep me around. If I do what they recommend or what they think is best I will belong and be wanted.”

“I don’t know what I should do. I will wait until I know what so and so is doing and go from there.”

“I don’t want to speak up and oppose what they say. If I do, I may be rejected.”

“I don’t have it in me to show up. But if I don’t, I will be responsible for everything that may go wrong.”

“I should do this. I will feel guilty if I don’t.”

I could go on listing common phrases like this, but I hope this list is enough to get the point across.

Constantly avoiding rocking any boats, getting rejected, or feeling unwanted is to give up and deny your own power. It always leads to the loss of your freedom. Powerlessness becomes your self-induced prison cell, barred with fear and compliance. Giving up your power out of a sense of obligation, worry, shame, or guilt is the furthest thing from being in alignment with your will or with those who support and empower you.

I know this can all feel pretty heavy, because these things may resonate with deep, painful parts of yourself that you want to pretend don’t exist. However, you do not have to keep running and hiding. Healing is possible. Tucked in your heart is the key of your prison cell: your will! Find it, use it, and be the vessel that carries you forward into freedom and happiness. Owning your power is worth every risk. 

Anger and Power

One of my favorite movies that illustrates this concept of balanced power is Ella Enchanted. As a baby, Ella was given the gift of obedience by a fairy. This gift was said to be the best anyone could have. Yet, it turned out that this gift was more of a curse than a blessing. Ella was constantly trying to carry out her own will, which didn’t end well most of the time. When it mattered most, she chose to stand in her power, broke the spell, and became the vessel of her will. This power was always within her. She just had to believe it.

I want to emphasize the process of Ella breaking free of the spell. Through her declarations, expressed with anger, she connected to her power and made her heroic triumph possible.

Anger is an emotion connected to Power. Ironically, it is also an emotion people are often afraid of and unsure about. Until recently, I’ve been afraid of anger and unsure of it myself. I used to feel shame for any of my moments of expressed anger. If someone else was angry towards me, I felt devastated and afraid of all sorts of things. Then I came to understand that anger is okay to feel. I learned how to sit with this emotion in a way that honored how I felt and created a safe place to curiously observe what was fueling the anger. By doing this, I learned so much about myself, about power, and about other people.

To summarize, I learned that those who abuse power use anger to control and to create fear. They push others around and disrespect personal boundaries in an effort to intimidate and to force compliance. Those who choose to give in tend to cower and scurry in order to survive their wrath. Anger then becomes attached to trauma and abuse, which is why people can be triggered by this emotion. People learn to fear anger through less-than-ideal experiences, and it is an unfortunate reality that those who abuse power take advantage of this fear.

Another observation about anger is that those who abuse power in a more subtle way can manipulate others to avoid feeling anger. It is an emotion people are told they should not feel if they are to be a good and worthy person. I find this to be most common in religious cultures, ranging through all sorts of situations. Why do you suppose this is? Why would it be beneficial to influence others to avoid feeling angry?

It is all about control and compliance. Consider the following questions:

Do angry slaves gain freedom or compliant slaves?

Does an angry superhero use their powers to obliterate the villain’s empire or a beer-belly Thor who is indifferent?

Do angry citizens overthrow governments and tyrants or dependent and complacent citizens?

Is it an angry person who finally says “no” to an abuser and walks away for good? Or, is it a mollified and silenced person?

Every time, it’s the person who channels their anger to protect boundaries like freedom and personal well-being. The anger that an empowered person feels is fueled by their desires to protect, serve, and live within their inalienable rights. It is also the fuel that propels them toward healing and wholeness. It is a declaration, “I will no longer comply for survival. I choose to live and thrive.”

Let me repeat: anger is connected to power, both imbalanced and balanced power. It literally shows up in both spaces. That does not imply that you need to be angry all of the time to be in balanced power (no Bruce Banner required). It does mean that anger can help you maintain that balance when it becomes threatened. It is within your right to own your power, your space, and the opportunity to live as you will.

Because anger is connected to both sides, it is the key emotion to observe when there are power struggles, arguments, or controversies. It can help you discern if you or other people are acting from balance or imbalance, and it can inform you when and where power is being repressed.

On a personal level, observing your expression of anger in any circumstance (whether you do the silent-angry or the vocal-angry), you will get a better understanding of your relationship with power. When you are angry, is it because you are fighting to uphold your boundaries and your right to carry out your own will? Or are you angry because someone else is not complying to your will?

If you are uncomfortable with anger, why do you think that is? Have you been mistreated by another’s use of power? Have you been afraid of what someone would do if you defied them? Have you misused your own power and still feel ashamed about it? Have you avoided feeling angry because of the emotions silenced beneath the anger? Have you felt afraid to connect to your power through anger? If so, why?

How do you feel about anger?

Take the time to find out. It will help you in your search for balanced Power.

(Click here to read a couple example stories and for self-evaluation questions).

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