Mother's Day Expectations

 

Here is a life-tip I have found great value in:

If you want to set yourself up for feeling frustration, disappointment, stress, guilt, shame or resentment: hold tight to your expectations of yourself and others.

Seems a bit extreme, but it’s true!

Expectations are the predetermined details assigned to people, situations, experiences or relationships based on how you think things should be. They are what you want to experience externally, based on you feel the need to have a say in or that society has said “should be.”

Take Mother’s Day, for example. How many expectations does society have for that day or for mothers in general? What do you expect yourself and others to do to make it a happy day?

You should get your mother something to show her you love her.

As a mother, I am supposed to love this day and feel happy.

I wish that I was celebrated and acknowledged on Mother’s Day by those around me.

If I am truly appreciated, my husband will make dinner…or the kids will do dishes without being asked.

I get to remember all the ways that I don’t measure up.

I get to sleep in and be doted on all day.

The dreary list can go on and on.

I have been a mom for just over ten years now. I know, that is not very long to some, but I have still had enough experience with expectations on Mother’s Day to know that there is a common theme. Though I never said it out loud year after year, I did expect to be able to sleep in, to not have to cook dinner, to be doted on and appreciated through intentional actions. I had unspoken hopes that others would show up in a certain way in order for me to feel celebrated as a mom, and if those hopes went unfulfilled, I would wonder if I was just taken for granted and my sacrifices unseen. I have felt the pressure as others speak about how amazing their moms are, and I wonder why I am failing to have such qualities myself. A good mom “should” this and “should” that, and what if I or my mom are not those things? What is there to celebrate?

This kind of perspective is stressful and full of pressure, and it’s a recipe for keeping joy out of life.

What I have learned to do the last couple of years (and not just for Mother’s Day) is let go of expectations and all the “shoulds.” I choose to lean into anticipation instead.  

I anticipate celebrating my moms (actual and adopted) in a way that brings me joy, whatever that looks like.

I anticipate breathing in and loving the wonder and majesty of being a mother, regardless of what day this feeling shows up or how.

I am excited to celebrate myself and the progress I’m making, no matter how big or small.

I look forward to appreciating myself and finding joy in being able to nurture my family in some way.

I anticipate celebrating my wins as a mom and learning from my fabulous failures without shame.

I am excited to find a way to dote on and celebrate myself.

Basically, it’s all a matter of letting go of what I have no control over. Anticipation is releasing a hold of the external details of the how, when, where, and who, and looking forward to how I want to feel regardless of what does or doesn’t happen.

Last Mother’s Day truly was a joyful day for me because of my changed perspective. I found ways to honor and celebrate myself. It didn’t mean that my husband and kids did nothing to show their love and appreciation. They still did, even without my expectations, and I found that I appreciated them more than I had before. I didn’t give into the pressure that I had to buy or make gifts for the mothers in my life so I didn’t feel like I failed as the child. I ended up expressing love from my heart, and celebrated their wins that I have witnessed over the years.

I don’t need someone else to celebrate me to feel appreciated as a mother. I can do that myself. I don’t need to be doted on by others to feel loved. I have the capacity to show up for myself in various ways that shows self-love.

In the end, the mother I show up as when I lean into anticipation is vastly different than who I am when I am tied to expectations. I am happier!

So this Mother’s Day, I invite you to do the same. Adopt a spirit of adventure and be curious in your anticipation for how celebrating will show up inside of you.